Sunday, June 21, 2009

Michael We Hardly Knew Ye

I don't usually talk about personal matters here, but since today is Father's Day, I want to share this with you.

A while ago, on an impulse, I typed my father's name into Google. The result was his obituary in a newspaper published in the city where he lived. He had passed away a few days earlier, and the funeral was scheduled for the following Saturday. My name didn't appear in the notice. I signed the online guest book with my maiden name and left my email address.

I'm not telling you this because I want sympathy. You can't miss something you never had. My parents split up shortly after my birth. I have only one short memory clip of my father; I was about two years old at the time. We have had no contact since. So it's not as if I can grieve for him.

I have no idea what it would be like to grow up with two parents. I don't really know first-hand what sort of role fathers play in families. And of course, back then that role would probably have been quite different from what it might be today. I often wonder what our relationship might have been like. Close? Tumultuous? Indifferent? I've been told by relatives that we are alike in many ways. It is never meant as a compliment but I choose to think of it as one. Would I have been a better, stronger, happier person if I had known him? Would I have turned out quite differently? Would my family have been less dysfunctional, more so, or simply dysfunctional in another way?

I have sometimes thought that my penchant for spanking had some of its roots in the desire for a father figure - a male disciplinarian. When I was much younger this was quite a desirable characteristic in any partner I might have considered, and things ultimately worked out that way. Ron is just the right number of years older, even though
our life together does not involve any hint of age play or discipline. Although we are equal partners, he does exert his dominance from time to time, and I am comfortable submitting.

Ron assures me that all my good qualities were inherited from my father. It feels good to hear him say that.

Good-bye Michael.

From Hermione's Heart


Brambleberry Blush said...

Interesting proposition, searching for the absent father, the stern disciplinarian. I am so glad you found a responsible way to fill that hole with someone loving and caring as Ron.


Sara said...

I think you can miss what you might have had, although, you are right in not knowing what that reality would have been. I am glad you found him...and Ron.

Meow said...

It's comforting to have that male dominance in our lives once in a while whether we had a bad father, a good father or no father. I'm glad you found Ron! Meow

Greenwoman said...

I grew up not knowing my biological father either Hermione.

My adoptive father was not who I needed him to be.

I realized in my 30's finally that I am me. Some of that is genetic and therefore like my father. Some of it is environment and therefore like my adoptive father. Some of it is the influence of countless people and experiences.

But mostly its my soul impressing itself on this ego, we call a personality. I am me. I am the person I've chosen to be.

That's who you are too. *smiles*

ronnie said...

Lovely post Hermione.

I think you can miss what you never had, well that's my opinion. My parents split when I was very very young as well so I know.

I'm glad you found the love of Ron and what you were looking for.

Thanks for sharing this.


Ashley J said...

I don't think the traits we inherit from our fathers can be defined as good or bad. It is really what we do with those traits, how we live our lives, which make them positive or negative. You've made them into something positive and that's what really matters.

Fabsterrant said...

I was lucky to have great parents. They worked overtime so they could purchae more building material to work on the house, our home. I recall my dad starting nails amd me following him driving them in. My mother worked cooked baked and mixed concret for foundations. My dad died when I was 16 but it paved the way for me being devoted to my two boys. Hermione its good that you found some clousure in that search. Its good that we have one another to get a litttle misty eyed now and then.

Hermione said...

Thank you all for the touching and encouraging comments. You've made me feel better.

I did have some reservations about posting, but I'm glad after all that I shared this with you.


Master Retep said...

Thank you for trusting us with such an intimate incite.

grace said...

I have struggled with the father thing.

I'm glad you feel like you got positive things from your father. For some reason, I can only come up with negative thoughts when it comes to mine. I've only seen my father once and although we talk on the phone, he is nothing more than an aquaintance to me.


ginger said...

I don't think it's unusual for some in the community to desire that - a father figure. I had a friend once, from the UK, who was looking for exactly that. She grew up without a father. Her participation in the scene was never erotic. Sometimes playful, but mostly discipline oriented. There were a few times when I had told her of my father from childhood, sometimes spanking related and sometimes not, and she would sigh and say, "You father sounds lovely." in a sad way, as if she had missed something by not having a father to guide her and sort her out as she grew.

I think there are many like that.