Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Bottom Blushers

These amazing spanking implements - the Bottom Blushers above and the Little Spankers below - were created by artist Bert Gilbert. They are genuine works of art, although they probably have a useful purpose too. They went on display last April at Coco de Mer in London. Alas, they aren't available online.

From Hermione's Heart

Monday, January 30, 2012

From the Top Shelf - The Canery

Today's fiction selection comes from The Canery "where adults receive the rattan cane for pleasure and discipline". This excellent blog has a vast assortment of stories - F/F, F/M, M/F and M/M - so if caning is your thing, you've come to the right place.

Here's an interesting story called Closing Down Sale, written by Rod Cayenne. I like it because the gender of the one receiving the cane is left to the reader's imagination.

“There’s not many of us left, you know.”


“Us old school policemen. You know, ones who can remember when the local bobby was feared and his word was rule. When a swift slap or caning was dished out unofficially.”

“Wait! You mean you used to use a cane on criminals?”

“Not criminals really. Would-be criminals. Wannabes, you’d call them nowadays. Anyway, I did use a cane. Unofficially. All the values I held dear count for nothing these days, though. It’s the end of an era. Everything’s politically correct now. I feel like I’m in some weird kind of Closing Down Sale. Such a shame. By the way, I still have a cane.   Would you like to see it?”

“Ooooh, yes please Uncle!”

He went upstairs and could be heard rummaging around. Eventually he returned, with a devilish looking crook-handled cane in his hand.  Coupled with his neatly pressed black uniform, he really looked the part – a real disciplinarian. He swished the cane around. What an impressive sound it made as it cut through the air.

“What do you think of this then?” he asked and laughed.

“Wooh!  Wicked, Uncle!  I bet that hurt! How many strokes would you give?”

“Well, six was traditional, of course, but sometimes I’d be asked to give more. Or I just decided that more was appropriate. This cane ruled the village, just as the headmaster’s one ruled the school.”


“Yes, it was a real reign of terror. Of course, as a young copper in my early 20s it helped get me the respect I was due.”

“I bet.”

“Not many repeat offenders. The courts could order birchings, too.  Life was simpler and better.”

“Uncle, this may sound funny, but may I try a stroke or two of the cane?”

“Whaaat? No, definitely not! Whatever would your parents say?”

“Well, I am 22, so it’s none of their business, really, is it?”

“No, I suppose not. But the answer’s still no. I wouldn’t want to hurt you. You know – and I really shouldn’t tell you this – I always insisted on a bare bottom.”

“It’s alright Uncle. Your secret is safe with me.”

“Cheeky! It’s not a secret. But the answer’s still no. A big no, do I make myself clear?”

“Yeah” was the sulky reply.

“Good. Don’t you ever ask me again.”

Just then the phone rang in the kitchen. A long conversation followed and uncle frowned. As the call ended, he returned to the living room and picked up the cane.

“That was your dad. He tells me you’ve been smoking, drinking and swearing in the house, and that your mum is really upset.”

“Sorry, Uncle.”

“I reminded him that I had a cane. He agreed that perhaps a caning is in order, after all!”


“Not so keen now, are you? Bare your bottom for me! Quickly! Now bend over the arm of the sofa.”

“Err yes, Uncle.” The sulky attitude had evaporated, to be replaced by fear and not a little excitement.

“That’s a rather nice bottom, I must say. Two strokes for smoking, two strokes for drinking in the house, and four for swearing at your mother. Eight crisp strokes for you!”

“Yes, Uncle, I’m sorry.”

“Mmm, you will be when I’ve finished with you!”

Read the rest here.

From Hermione's Heart

Sunday, January 29, 2012

You Completed the Caption

Window shopping can provide a lot of entertainment, in more ways than one. Here's how you captioned the drawing.

James: A beautiful bottom is a terrible thing to waste.

Michael: ♪ Standing on the corner watching all the girls go by ♪

Six of the best: The woman is shopping for a watch. The man is watching an ass.

Sarah Thorne: A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when...

Harold thinks, "For every dollar she spends today, that ass is gonna pay later. Ah yes...I can already see the stripes from my belt across her bottom..."

Kingspan: "I wonder why they put the nicest things on the bottom shelf where I have to bend way over to look at them?"

Ronnie: "Mr. Parker is so funny, he thinks I don't know he follows me every Saturday when I go window shopping."

Bobbie-Jo: Miss Jordan has become a right beautiful woman since she was in my fifth grade class. I'd love to give her a spanking for all the trouble she caused me.

I wish that old goat would quit leering at me. I have heard too much about his lecherous ways!

Prefectdt: "If someone would pull this rod out of my ass, I would be able to go and chat her up"

Bonnie: Mr Helms decided that Melanie's voluptuous body would be a bargain at any price.

Vfrat25000: A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when Old Weird Wally got the shock of his life when he popped Betty Lou on the butt with his walking stick outside Sandy’s Fine Pottery and found out the hard way. Betty Lou was actually Big Dave “The Tow Truck Driver” in drag. Weird Wally is expected to survive.

A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when Sally Mae met the original Wal-Mart Greeter Bob “Welcome to Wal-Mart” Peterson

A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when Prudence decided to try a little shoplifting at the River Bend Emporium and found out that canes can be used for something more than walking

A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when Creepy Carl snickered, grinned, and asked Linda Mae if she wanted to earn $25.00 the hard way. Authorities have not found a trace of Creepy Carl since that warm summer afternoon.

Ricky: Yes, yes, I know I have to go on a diet!

Hermione: That's a mighty fine display. Check out that two for one special!

Thank you to everyone who submitted a caption. Have a safe, happy week, and I hope you'll join us next time when I'll have another off-the-wall picture for your enjoyment.

From Hermione's Heart

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Complete the Caption

A carefree afternoon of window shopping turns into something more when...

Complete the caption by leaving a comment, and I will publish your submissions in the next post.

From Hermione's Heart

Friday, January 27, 2012

Friday FAIL

An unfortunate juxtaposition of two completely unrelated advertisements.

From Hermione's Heart

Thursday, January 26, 2012

You broke my cane!

It's true! Last week I actually broke a cane. Yes, it was me, not Ron. But it wasn't on my bottom. To be honest, it wasn't actually a cane;  Ron prefers to call it a walking stick.

Let me start from the beginning. We went for a walk, and because of the icy road conditions, I slipped and twisted my ankle. I didn't actually fall, and it didn't hurt much, so we continued our walk. But once we returned home and I had settled down to read, my foot started to throb quite painfully. I rubbed it a bit, and tried to ignore it, but when the phone rang, I could only limp slowly across the room to pick up the receiver. Ron brought me some pain pills and gave me a nice foot massage, which helped quite a bit. By dinner time I struggled to stand up and had to hold onto various pieces of furniture to reach the stairs. It was going to be a long evening.

"Think of it as a spanking," Ron encouraged me as I climbed the stairs. Yes, I'd thought of that too, but somehow the pain in my foot was much different from the familiar pain in my bottom. I was going to need some help, and I saw just what I needed when I reached the top of the stairs. Ron's walking sticks were in a corner beside the front door. He always carried one when he goes for a walk, to fend off any loose dogs roaming the neighborhood. I selected the shortest one, a light wooden cane with a carved horn handle, and experimented. It helped immensely, and I was able to get to the kitchen with minimal difficulty.

While Ron prepared dinner, I sat at the kitchen table, my foot resting on a chair, and supervised. I felt a bit guilty letting my husband do all the work, so i thought I could do a little to assist him. I tried to stand, leaned too heavily on cane and the handle snapped off with a loud crack.

"Sorry, I broke your cane," I apologized, and sat down again.

"It's not a cane, it's a walking stick. It doesn't matter; I can fix it." Ron brought me a sturdier metal one that I wouldn't be able to break, stood it in the corner behind me, then went off to find some glue.

I left the rest of the meal preparations in Ron's capable hands, and the result was delicious. When we had finished dinner, he asked if if needed any help. I said he could pass me the cane.

"You want me to cane you?" Well, maybe later. I wasn't exactly in the mood for more pain at the moment.

I managed to struggle down the stairs with the help of the stick and the railing. Ron was right behind me, and as I reached the bottom, he gave my seat a couple of smart spanks as a little encouragement. Talk about motivation!

A few more painkillers and a good night's rest did the trick. By the next day I had recovered enough to walk unaided, and the broken cane was also feeling much better.

I'll have to remember to take him up on that offer of a caning.

From Hermione's Heart

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wednesday WIN

Some businesses draw more customers than others, especially when their names are on the kinky side. Here are two of them, courtesy of The Huffington Post.

For the complete collection, visit Best Pun Store Names.

From Hermione's Heart

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A Newspaper Startle

The latest smartphones have an autocorrect feature that sometimes get their users in trouble.

This startle appeared in our national newspaper as part of an advertisement for a new program on CBC Radio 1. The subject of an episode to be broadcast the following day was funny autocorrect mistakes. I'm not sure how they could pull that off on radio, because it's so visually oriented, but radio presenters are pretty clever at making us "see" with our ears.

If you want to read more autocorrect fails, this site is one of the best.

From Hermione's Heart

Monday, January 23, 2012

From the Top Shelf - Favor Me

"Favor Me" by Jenesi Ash is quite a steamy short story from Naughty Bits 2, an anthology of erotic fiction. The narrator is a young lady who enjoys being filmed while having sex, and her wealthy lover takes care of all her financial needs. This scene takes place in her lover's office; she has arrived wearing a raincoat and little else. He closes the door, removes her coat, and she notices that the window shades are open. If the people in the offices in the next building look up from their work, they can see quite clearly what is happening.

She removes her lingerie slowly, doing a lap dance. Leon's swivel office chair gets quite a workout. Then:

Deciding I've been patient long enough, I let go of the headrest and grab his belt. My hands fumble as Leon continues to tease my nipples with fingers and tongue... I tug his belt free and lift myself up just a little to unzip his pants. Leon skims his hands down my hips and holds me still. "Stay like that," he says softly...

I can't think straight with his hands squeezing and massaging my ass. He flattens his palm and my knees start to tremble. I know what he's planning just as he gives me a hard smack.

I gasp as the spank echoes in the room. Sizzling heat spreads through my buttocks and he smacks me again. I swallow back a whimper...

Leon spanks me again, only harder. I glance at the shut door. Can his secretary hear Leon spanking me? The idea drenches my pussy.

... I feel dizzy but I can't climax. I don't know what's wrong. And then someone in the other building looks out the window. A businesswoman frowns as she watches me. My pulse quickens as her brow clears and understanding hits... I stare out the window, gulping for air, my heart racing. The woman from across the street guiltily looks away.

From Hermione's Heart

Sunday, January 22, 2012

You Completed the Caption

Here's the caption roundup that has the sagebrush smokin' and the coyotes howlin':

Michael M: Catching me is the easy bit. You'll have more difficulty getting these jeans off!

Spanky: Once I get my hand out, I'll show you a rope trick.

Kingspan: No one knew the rich girl from back east was the biggest cattle rustler in the territory - no one except the man Daddy sent to bring her home.

Sunnygirl: Girl, I'm goin' rope you in.

Simon: Harriet Houdini was surprised when the audience member she had invited to tie her up took the chance to grab her bottom. Surprised but not that upset.

Michael: "Hey, cowboy, is that a brandin' iron in your pants or are you excited to have roped me?"

Vfrat25000: Hey you little firecracker, have you ever seen the movie “McClintock"?

Getting a little cozy aren’t you?
Sorry about being so close lady, my finger is caught in the knot of my rope.

You got a smoke, Tex?
Sorry, no smokes lady. If it helps any, I plan on smoking the seat of those jeans as soon as I can find a place to sit down

What are you going to do now that you lassoed me cowboy?
Uh, I don’t know, I didn’t think this plan all the way through.

Airport Security Lady - What are you hiding under there?

I hope they get these publicity photos finished quickly, my head itches from all this hair goop.
What are you complaining about, you should see what they put under this shirt!

A. Lurker: Rawhide!

Get along little doggie!

I "herd" that smart remark!

Kitty: Hmmm, your bottom isn't padded after all.

Prefectdt: "It's a nice start honey, but you can't call yourself a shibari master yet."

Blondie: "First knot done, now clothes come off. Then I'll show you the rest of my rope tricks"

Six of the best: "If you got ants in your pants lady, you need a few good whips, on your hips".

Bonnie: "I love a cowboy who know how to use his lariat."

"They're as real as that saddle horn you're poking me with..."

Ricky: So you finally caught me, eh, Big Boy?

Lea: "This is what you meant when you said you were familiar with rope work?"

Ken: Watch out big boy, or I'll BUST you in the mouth!

Ronnie: "Well, hello there big boy, what's your next trick?"

Hermione: Little did Tex realize he had just challenged the former double-dutch champion of Preston Elementary School to a skip-off.

Thanks, everyone, for the great captions. I think you'll have even more fun with the picture I have ready for next week. See you then!
From Hermione's Heart

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Complete the Caption

Continuing with our country theme from last week, here's an interesting couple.

Complete the caption by leaving a comment and I will publish your suggestions in the next post.

From Hermione's Heart

Friday, January 20, 2012

Friday FAIL

This advertisement is offensive by today's standards, but you gotta love the brand name.

From Hermione's Heart

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Storage Wars

The other night I wandered into the family room where Ron was watching an episode of Storage Wars on television. If you haven't seen it, it's a weekly program about people who bid on the contents of abandoned storage lockers at public auctions, in the hopes that there will be something of real value hidden inside.

I sat down to read, but my attention quickly turned to the show when I heard the word "canes." Glancing up, I saw an assortment of canes that the winning bidder had purchased and was having appraised.

I couldn't find a film clip of that episode, but I did manage to locate the script. Here is the dialogue, transcribed as it was spoken. It sometimes isn't exactly clear who is speaking - the owner or the appraiser - but you'll get the idea.

I found several canes in a locker that I supposedly overpaid for.
I'm taking these canes to a friend of mine...who deals in high-end merchandise.
There's some nice pieces.
And I just--i just got some canes in.
This came out of a great estate around Baltimore.
Carved ivory.
Mechanical canes.
What does something like that sell for?
Oh, I'm estimating in the auction about $8,000 to $10,000.
$8,000 To $10,000.
So if his canes are worth $8,000 to $10,000, I can't wait to see what mine are worth.
Great, very nice.
Well, hopefully mine are worth a little bit more than that.
Well, let's look at yours.

This is kind of interesting.
Uh, these are a little different.
This particular cane, this is probably a whale tooth that's been put on this cane.
And this is actually a walking stick.
It's very unusual.
You know, it's got some damage.
It's a composition of maybe plastic.
This is really interesting here.
This is actually a plantation cane, commonly known as a slave master's cane.
Very good condition.
Well, it's good that my dad didn't have one of these, because he didn't mind giving me a good ol' whoopin' every once in a while.
You probably needed one once in a while.
I needed several.
Didn't we all?

This is probably walrus tusk on this one.
And this is more of a folk art cane.
A little crude, the carvings.
Got the alligator on it.
That's kind of interesting.
I would estimate these canes ..$150, $250 apiece for 'em.
$250 apiece means an extra 1,000 bucks.
With that and the furniture, I'm looking at $5,000 on this unit.

[laughs] - And it's a nice little collection of canes.

These aren't the actual canes from the episode, but aren't they pretty?

From Hermione's Heart

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Wednesday WIN

All those poor tops, halted in their quest for bottoms to spank by an untimely snowfall.
From Hermione's Heart

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

In subspace no one can hear you scream

Subspace has always been a mysterious phenomenon to me, a mystical state of mind that has been described in various ways by those of you who are able to reach it. If you have to ask what an orgasm feels like, you have probably never had one, and I believe the same holds true for subspace. I may have had a glimpse of it once in the past, but only for a moment.

We were recently engaged in a particularly enthusiastic spanking. Ron had four implements lined up and ready to apply to my bottom: three wooden paddles of various sizes and shapes, and one leather paddle. As each one in turn hit my tender derrière I let out a protest. My "Ow!" was especially loud when the paddle hit what my husband calls my wow spot, the area that spans the base of my buttocks and the tops of my thighs. It is a tender place and the swats hurt much more there.

So we went on, and each time a different implement smacked against me I felt a fresh wave of pain. I was beginning to fear that I had lost my resilience and was not longer up to hard spankings. Then, unexpectedly, my world shifted. I had an odd sensation of floating; I was hovering over myself as I lay there. I could still feel the bed under me, but somehow I was also detached from it. Was this subspace? The thought immediately came to mind, then I worried that if I tried to acknowledge it or analyze it, the feeling would vanish.

It didn't. The nice, floaty feeling stayed with me. The swats continued from cheek to cheek, and they no longer bothered me. I didn't even feel them. The ones to the tops of my thighs still seared me, but i merely acknowledged the pain and moved away from it. At some point I realized that I had become silent, so I struggled to respond, but the only sound I could manage was "Mmmm." Ron concluded the spanking by saying, "We're done. You've stopped being noisy."

I blinked and wondered what would happen when I stood up. Nothing much, except that I didn't want to come down quite yet. I asked Ron to rub some lotion on my bottom, and that prolonged the return to reality for just long enough.

I rarely think of looking at the clock both before and after a spanking, but for some reason this time I did. Ten minutes had elapsed since we began, and that was ten minutes of continuous spanking, with only a short pause to switch implements. I'm guessing that the final two, or possibly three, were spent in that mysterious netherworld.

From Hermione's Heart

Monday, January 16, 2012

From the Top Shelf - Chance of a Lifetime

Getting a new erotica anthology* is always exciting. I quickly skim through each story, always on the lookout for the good bits that I can share with you here. Imagine my delight to find that the first story in the collection, Chance of a Lifetime by Portia da Costa, was completely devoted to our favorite pastime.

A young woman takes a temporary job as a cleaner for a marquess, and finds a stash of videotapes while performing her household duties in his mansion. She watches one and finds that it's a film of her employer spanking a woman. The scene excites her, she begins to pleasure herself while she watches, and her employer catches her in the act. He sentences her to a spanking - her first - which she both dreads and desires. She presents herself at the appointed time, and after some preliminaries, is made to undress.

"And now to business," he says briskly... "I think I'd like to bind you. Are you okay with that?"

Speechless, I nod like an idiot as he reaches down the side of his chair and pulls out a length of soft, silky cord. I feel it slide over my hip and flank as he turns me to face away from him, and then, bringing my hands behind me, he fastens them at the wrist.

I think that this is it, but suddenly he produces another length of cord and, pulling my arms back tighter, he winds it around my elbows, drawing them together.

"And now we really begin," he says softly, taking me by the waist and pushing me from between his knees. Then, settling himself more comfortably in the chair, and setting his booted feet more squarely on the floor, he nods to me, his eyes dancing with lights and a subtle smile on his handsome face.

I know what he's indicating. That I should assume the position.

It's difficult to settle elegantly across his lap with my hands tied, but I do the best I can, not wanting to disgrace myself. Even so, he has to more or less grapple me into place, setting me at precisely the right angle and elevation and disposing my limbs and torso in the optimum position to present my bottom to his hand.

I wait for the first spank. The first the first real one...the tap the other day was nothing, I suspect.

But it doesn't come yet.


It's a low, contemplative sound, and as he utters it, the marquess gently cups my bottom cheek, testing its resilience... He grips me harder and I have this sense of some kind of computer in his brain calculating, calculating. How hard to hit. How high to lift his hand for the downstroke. How many slaps is optimum.

"Ready?" he asks, to my surprise. I'd expected him to just take what he wanted. He's in charge, after all.

And yet, is he? I bet if I said "no," even now, he'd immediately desist and help me restore my clothing to decency and propriety. But no way would I do that. I want what I want and it's what he wants too.

"Yes," I whisper, barely able to hear my own breathy voice over the bashing and thudding of my heart.

"Good girl."

And then he spanks me.

Oh, dear God! It hurts! It hurts so much.

What a shock! I'd expected a tingle, a little burn...something that's as much pleasure as pain.

Bloody hell, how wrong can you be.

It's like he's slapped me with a solid hunk of wood rather than his strong, but only human, hand. For a moment, both mind and bottom are numbed by it, but then sensation whirls in like a hurricane, I shout out loud--something indistinguishable--and my left buttock feels like it's on fire.

And that's just one blow.

As more and more land, I realize in astonishment that in that first shot, he was actually holding back...

The whole of my rear is very quickly an inferno, and the heat sinks like lava into the channel of my sex, reigniting the desire, the grinding longing I felt...

I know I should be quiet and still and obedient. I know I should just accept my punishment like a good little girl. Perfect poise. The perfect ability to absorb the punishment with grave and decorum...

I feel as if I'm going out of my mind, and yet I know, in some still-sane part of it, that I've never been happier in my life. Despite the pain and the strangeness and the sheer, unadulterated kink of what's happening to me, I know that this is where I should be and who I should be with.

And they live happily ever after.

*Naughty Bits 2 

From Hermione's Heart

Sunday, January 15, 2012

You Completed the Caption

I had no idea there were so many tractor aficionados among us! 

Kingspan: Her fantasy roleplay - Actress disciplined for missing her Daisy Duke audition - may have been a little unusual, but her boyfriend didn't mind in the least.

Spanky:  Jed says, "Jethro, run and tell Granny I'll be late for vittles!"

Sunnygirl:  Oh, Deere. You did say to rev up the engine.

Michael: "This year's crop looked exceptionally ripe."

Simon: The new brochure for Ferguson Farm Equipment had attracted a lot of interest but for some reason their tractors still weren't selling.

Bobbie Jo: Come on Hon. We'll have lots of fun if we take this to our favorite spot on the back forty.

Daddy: Nothing gets me running like a " Deere-iere "

Daisychain: Her cut offs had been cut a little more than she thought, but why not take advantage of the mistake....

Ronnie: "Do you like my seat?"

Six of the best: She says to him, "With this tractor you planted many things in life. Now for a 'spanking good time', try planting your firm hand on my naked rear end".

Bonnie: "Y'all like my southern exposure?"

Prefectdt: Paddle me faster. I can hear banjos!

Anon: Eat my shorts Spanko! Um..yeah, ok, I'll do it !

Anon II: "I've always been an IH Red (International Harvester Red) girl myself. So, what are you going to do about it?"

Vfrat25000: Old McDonald had a farm…until Daisy got it in the divorce settlement.

Hey Cowboy, I’d say it’s a good day to plant some wild oats.

If you think I’m cute, you should see my eight sisters.

Oh, thank you, you are the best husband EVER. I have always wanted a Lexus.

The publicity poster announcing “President Clinton’s Farm Improvement Program.”

Well hello, Mr. Brown. I am Betty Lou from down the road a bit. I hear they struck oil on your little old farm.

“You know, Clem, I was sitting here pondering something..."
"What’s that, Milburn?”
“Is it my imagination or are the ranch hands looking a bit different nowadays?”

“Holy Moly, Chester, I would sure like to spank that.”
“Oh for crying out loud, Buster, you say the dumbest things sometimes. Why would anybody want to spank a tractor?”

Lea: Joe figured this would work better than an "ON SALE" sign at the local John Deere outlet.

Rattan: "Cindy-Lou's inappropriate footwear for tractor driving lessons lead to on-the-spot paddle swats at Springfield Agricultural College"

Hermione: Everyone wanted to help out when it was haying time at Green Acres.

Well, that was fun! Thank you to everyone who contributed this week. Please join me next time to caption another wacky photo.

From Hermione's Heart

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Complete the Caption

You know the drill.

Caption this photo by leaving a comment, and I will publish your submissions in the next post.

From Hermione's Heart

Friday, January 13, 2012

Friday FAIL

Today is Friday the thirteenth, so here is a warning to everyone who shares a room. When you aren't fully dressed, always be on the lookput for roommates with cameras, taking pictures in the mirror.

Look very carefully at the unlucky girl in pink, with her back to us. Can you see why this is a fail?

From Hermione's Heart

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Ass Appreciation Society

A frequent visitor to my blog spotted this picture in her local paper and very kindly sent it to me. It's always fun to see a startle, especially when it's the most memorable bottom of 2011.

No wonder it inspired the Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society on Facebook.

From Hermione's Heart