Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for March 23

Prefectdt noticed that my brunch post did not show up on any blog feeds. I have no idea why this happened so thank you to those who showed up anyway.

 What if your spanking partner no longer wishes to engage in that activity? Here's what you said: 

Wendel: I have never run into that situation. The Misses has been the only one for me and does not show signs of ever losing interest.
If The Misses decides not to want to partake in spanking I will just accept it. Obviously, I will give her one more sound spanking just to see if I could change her mind but she is My Misses and I love her no matter what. 

Anon: Well, Hermione, you sometimes post some risky questions, possibly not understanding the range of possible responses.

My wife and I had been in a long-term D/s (F/m) relationship that included a lot of spanking for 29 years. Then one day when I (half) jokingly suggested she should spank me for something I had done that severely annoyed her (many times in the past). She responded: "I've always hated that; hated the whole thing. It's disgusting!"

Well, we never managed to reestablish any form of honest communication after that. Her story and position kept changing, and I could never tell what her true feelings were. That is, except for the "spontaneous utterance" of emotional speech.

That was basically the end of both physical and emotional intimacy and romance for us. I couldn't stand for her to touch me; dreaded the prospect that she might try to initiate something. I went into deeper and deeper depression, eventually requiring double and triple doses of antidepressants, multiple types of AD's at the same time. I was cycling, long term, between being OK, then having to suppress my needs so strongly that I would drive myself back into depression, then requiring even strong AD's to prevent self-harm. I would rise up again from the AD's, but then the needs would come back to strong I had to press myself back down with all my strength.

That all started that one awful day about 18 years ago. All those 18 years of abstinence in all forms.

About three years ago I decided to go off the AD's and give it one last chance to save our relationship. Over several months I started conversations about how I thought I was who I was; why I had these needs. How these needs had been with me my entire life, since I was a young child. How I has struggled, and coped with multiple rejections until I had met her. I made a few lighthearted references to her possibly spanking me. The result was always the same: she's either totally ignore me, or repeatedly (verbally) "slap me down!"

After recovering from that last attempt, about 2 years ago I went to her, on one knee, and most sincerely apologized to her for my not understanding her feeling the conflicts she must have been feeling during the first 29 years of our relationship. She just sat there. She wouldn't acknowledge my apology, must less "accept" it and possibly forgive me. That was the end!

About six months later she started to have severe, critical health problems. She was diagnosed with severe vascular dementia, and it steadily progressed. After multiple hospitalizations and surgeries, about one year ago she started confusing me with her older brother. About six months ago she couldn't recognize me as anyone else she knew. About four weeks from now she will be transferred to a special, full-time care facility (close to where the rest of her family lives). There they will have both specialists, as well the attendants who will take over her feeding, bathing and diaper changing. In effect, she has passed away, while still being alive.

I'm not sure where I will go now after 47 years without my best friend. I'm 67 years old, very smart and very fit. Most friends and acquaintances think I am more like 50 (it gets tiring having to repeatedly pull out your driver's license). I've tried posting some profiles at various online dating sites, listing my real age, and no one interesting will even look at me -- basically no one under 63 has ever contacted or responded to me. I'm not particular about looks, but I do care about intelligence, gross obesity and total lack of any physical fitness. Right now, it looks like I'll either have to lie about my age or give up. (Certainly little or no chance I'll meet someone compatible in the grocery store, plus it's creepy hitting on someone just trying to go about their everyday lives.)

If I could do anything differently, I would have been more probing and insistent that my wife talked about ALL of her feelings during those first 29 years. She certainly appeared to be enjoying herself, and our lives together, but she was hiding her internal conflicts, possibly in hope to make our relationship work. It is only possibly to suppress some things for so long before something breaks!

Prefectdt: This is only a theoretical scenario for me. But definitely number 1 “Discuss the situation and try to find out the reason for the decision?”. Finding out why could help a lot. If that has no result, then direct to number 4 “Discuss the possibility of finding another spanking partner for yourself?” But there already would be other spankers. I could happily stay sexually and emotionally faithful to a long term partner, but I would never lie and say that I would not look for play with multiple partners, right from the start of the relationship.

A.J.: I'm going to go with: "OK. If that's your choice. But now you have to find me a suitable replacement, who also has to meet my approval. Friend, pro, whatever - Your job!"

Anon 2: 1 and 2 with hoped success or compromise. If not, then 3.

KDPierre: This is a complex issue with no simple one-size-fits-all solution. For me, depending on a myriad of other defining circumstances, the response would range from everything listed to even the extreme but possibly inevitable conclusion of ending the relationship.

There are a lot (too many if you ask me) people who see spanking as this weird thing that anyone must feel absurdly grateful for having indulged, while other forms of sexual or domestic expression are to be expected as a person's due. I call "BS" on that. I see no difference from a partner suddenly refusing to spank and one suddenly refusing to kiss or indulge in sex. Both are legitimate, and both withdrawals indicate some problem of a deeper kind. 

Mark: I agree with KD. It is one thing where a particular variant of sex is no longer physically possible, but another entirely where one decides not to play. I'd be being spanked one way or another.

Hermione: I might ask why he made that decision. But if he was no longer interested, I'd understand and accept it. Ron is still my one true love, and spanking is part of our mutual sexual experience, so the paddles would be put away. I'm monogamous, and would not pursue another relationship with anyone else.

 

Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine