Sunday, September 30, 2012

You Completed the Caption

Although this photo was supposedly from the Fifties, as Bonnie has pointed out below it was probably taken later. But it's still fun to come up with a caption.

Simon: Her attempt to get a raise was ended when her boss spotted the tea trolley in the distance.

GaryNTboy: Honestly Miss Bridges, If you're that scared of mice you really should see someone. Now get over my knee!!

Our Bottoms Burn: How did you get that picture? That's Bacall taking dictation.

Mick: Excuse me, sir, but here are the briefs you asked for.

Ms. Betty: Damn it, Thomson! How many times do I have to tell you to knock before coming into my office?

Sunnygirl: Well, do I get the job or not?

Ricky: Please, sweetheart, not now, I'm trying to think.

Lill Ian: Since the downturn in the economy the mandatory cutbacks in the office have gone a little overboard.

Minelle Labraun: Okay now turn around and then model the next one.

Bonnie: "Now that I have your attention..."

BTW, despite the retro stockings, I doubt this photo is from the fifties. Look at wide lapels on his jacket, the wide tie, and his longer hairstyle. Add to that her lacy bikini and the glossy desk phone. I'd place it between '68 and '72.

Six of the best: The Boss says, "Looking like that, you either want six inches of dynamite in my pants pocket, or six of the best with my cane."

Ronnie: Miss Symonds was determined to get his attention one way or another.

Prefectdt: No Miss Jones, that's not what I meant when I said "I would like some buns with my coffee".

Kiki: Despite Hermione's last ditch effort to get Mr. Bossman to notice her, it was the cute, new guy from the mailroom named Ron that really got his attention.

Vfrat25000: I really hate it when Mom gets into the liquor cabinet when Dad’s not home.

Hello Dear. Let me guess. I’ve been working late too many nights and you feel like you’ve been ignored.

This new medicine is bizarre. I am imagining a lady in panties and nylons standing on my desk. I have GOT get to more of this stuff.

Jayne…Are you crazy? This is an office not a party house. We have a very strict dress code. Put your glasses back on!

I knew my evil sister is trying to take over the company. I will bet my retirement nest egg this picture ends up on the cover of the annual stock report.

I don’t know? I am not a 100% sure this is the right advertising campaign for our new product Viagra. Oh well lets run with it!

Lilmisses: In his best Rod Serling impression, Jerry announces, "Candy thought this was just another night pole dancing for what tips she could get so she could pay her gambling debt. But little did she know she was about to enter The Spanking Zone!" Dun dun duuuuuuunnnnn

Ana: No, James, I will *not* get down from your desk unless you vote for women's suffrage. No, I don't care if I am distracting you.

(so US suffrage was in the 20s...oh well)

Smuccatelli: "No Miss Sutherland, this is NOT what I meant by 'casual Friday'..."

Hermione: Miss Jones, this will not improve the score on your annual performance review.

I hope everyone has had a pleasant weekend, and look forward to seeing you all here again next week.

From Hermione's Heart

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Complete the Caption

Today's picture of a regular day at the office is from 1950s Unlimited. The office dress code sure was different back then.

Complete the caption by leaving a comment and I will publish the minutes of our meeting in my next post.

From Hermione's Heart

Friday, September 28, 2012

Friday FAIL

It's all about panties today, folks.

By the creators of wha...?

SILF? Is that an acronym for something?

Full coverage has me all excited!

Wrinkle free is important. I wouldn't want my bum to look all creased. 

Naughty puppy can't restrain himself from taking a peek.

From Hermione's Heart

Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Gardening Failure

This summer I grew melons as an experiment. We have a short growing season so I chose seeds of a variety that would mature in three months. I planted the seeds, erected a fence of netting for the vines to climb, and waited.

Soon we had dozens of small, green, fuzzy balls growing on the vines. As the weeks went by the balls grew larger and turned bright yellow. We weren't sure how to tell if they were ripe, but after looking them up online, they turned out to be casaba melons, with a hard outer skin, and were probably ready to eat.

So I harvested one, chopped it open with some difficulty, and carved off a piece for Ron and one for myself. Sadly, the flesh was hard, dry and flavourless. Ron wasn't impressed.

"Did you ask my permission to plant these melons?" he questioned me.

"No, Sir," I replied. Was I in trouble? I tried to explain, "I thought it was a good idea at the time."

"Well, it wasn't. In future, check with me before you buy something you aren't familiar with. Next year, get cantaloupe seeds."

"Yes, Sir." I had a good idea that my bottom was going to pay for my gardening fiasco. I also hated the idea of sending two dozen melons  to the composter. I divided the melon into quarters, then eighths, and put the pieces, seeds and all, outside under the bird feeder.

 Within the hour the squirrels and chipmunks had removed the seeds and eaten everything but the hard skin. When I told Ron, he was pleased I had found a good use for them, so it turned out that I didn't pay a painful price after all.

Only 23 melons to go. I hope the squirrels are hungry.

From Hermione's Heart

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Wednesday WIN

50 Shades of Grey has infiltrated every corner of society, and everyone seems to be using it to draw attention to totally unrelated products, ideas and services. I know that some of you enjoy the book and its sequels, so I made this post a WIN and not a FAIL to give everyone equal time.

A 50 Shades-themed cooking class was recently held in a California strip mall. "There were Playroom Pretzel Ropes, Bondage Wrapped Shrimp with Vanilla Bean Citrus Beurre Blanc and, for dessert, a martini called The Flogger.

"Each glass of the concoction made with chocolate vodka and Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream was garnished with a shortbread cookie in the shape of a tiny, multi-tailed whip; Horn ran the dough through a garlic press to get the strands just so."

Read the full story here, and be sure to scroll down to see the assortment of 50 Shades products available on Etsy.

The latest to jump on the 50 Shades bandwagon is a cookbook called 50 Shades of Chicken, by FL Fowler.

The recipes actually sound pretty good. Who wouldn't enjoy Mustard-Spanked Chicken? We actually prepare Spatchcock Chicken regularly in the summer. (Google it.)

And finally, a little fun with two shades of grey. Or is it one?

From Hermione's Heart

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Naughty cartoon from bygone days

Early cartoons shown at the movies before the main feature were often quite violent, and as you may have guessed, many included spankings. Bimbo's Initiation, created in 1931, features a cartoon dog who undergoes a fraternity initiation against his will.

He endures quite a lot of brutal treatment, including a spanking while riding a bicycle. His bottom gets so hot his fleas leap off in flames. 

Betty Boop later appears and entices him to join the exclusive club. He finally gives in, and the other club members turn into Boop lookalikes. Bimbo and Betty end with a spanky dance.

Here's the complete cartoon.
Strangely enough, it was voted #37 on "The 50 Greatest Cartoons of All Time" in 1994.

The still photos above are from Cracked.  Click on the link to read about four other very dark cartoons.
From Hermione's Heart

Monday, September 24, 2012

From the Top Shelf - Betsy Fry

We haven't had a spanking poem for a while so I thought I would remedy that today. Betsy Fry is one from a bygone age, author unknown. A naughty schoolgirl finds out what happens when she uses bad language. The poet calls her "such a great girl" so we will assume that she is a senior girl of eighteen who ought to be setting a good example for the younger pupils.

          Betsy Fry

The muses smiled, and gave consent,
when, whisk, at once away I went!
And, what was still more odd and risible
I found myself become invisible,
And slyly seated on a stool,
Among a pack of girls at school!

All tongues! As fast as they could chatter -
Sure never was there such a clatter
But one, much louder than the rest,
Amused them with a mighty jest -
A word! - she had picked up in the street!
A word this bard will not repeat!

Now, hushed at once, the little band,
Behold! The governess,so grand
The schoolroom enters! - not a word,
Where all was riot, now is heard!
Each head, by her majestic look,
Bent down on sampler, or on book!

When, Lo,the gloomy lowering eye
Prognosticates a storm is nigh:
Too sure a presage! Says the dame,
"What girl, as down the stairs I came,
Dared utter that vile, filthy word
Which never in my school was heard?

If now this instant you won't own
Who 'twas - I'll whip you all - each one!"
All- all - were ready then to cry,
'Twas not me, ma'am - 'twas Betsy Fry.'
'Who! Betsy Fry? - I'm quite ashamed -
such a great girl! - to hear her named;

But for this crime,a whipping ample
Shall be to others an example.
Indecent wretch! You, Sally Treacher,
Go run upstairs and tell the teacher
To bring that rod she made, just new,
And tied up with a ribbon blue;

Then such a punishment I'll give
You'll think on, long as you may live.
No begging,miss,will be no use
For such a crime there's no excuse
- No further talk!' and now Miss Glynn
With the birch rod marches in,

So smartly tied up with a bow,
It might be deemed a rod for show;
Yet though thus elegant the plan,
and wide expanded like a fan,
When well applied, each twig apart
Would tend to multiply the smart.

'You know, Miss Glynn, it is my rule,
when filthy words invade my school,
To use this instrument of pain
To whip and drive them out again:
So down with that vile hussy, Fry,
That I may flog and hear her cry'

The ready teacher then, Miss Glynn
(A thorough friend to discipline)
Proceeds the culprit straight to seize,
Crying, begging on her knees;
But vain her tears, and vain her prayer!-
For laid, she was, across a chair,

The governess now takes her stand,
The birchen sceptre in her hand;
With lofty air, inspiring awe,
and raised arm to enforce the law.
She shakes the whistling twigs and then,
Whip-whip-whip-whip-inflicts the pain;

Now pauses as missy roars aloud,
Sad warnings for the trembling crowd-
Crying 'Oh dear ma'am, pray do give o'er,
I will never say that word, no more.'
In vain; the rod's reiterations.

'These stripes I'm sorry to impart;
But 'tis for your own good you smart.
Who spares the rod will spoil the child
By me the proverb shan't be foiled.'
this brought the conflict to a close;
When quick the smarting culprit rose,

The governess, with awful state,
and head erect, resumed her seat;
Then calling up her victim, Fry
(sobbing and wiping either eye)
Descanted, with all due reflection,
On crimes provoking such correction;

But still, to heighten the impression
Of punishment for this transgression,
On a high stool she made her perch
And in her bosom stuck the birch;
Warning the school 'gainst crimes and errors
by the grand triumph of its terrors.

If this poem amuses you, it was taken to new heights by author Jonathan South, who wove it into a charming story called Ribbon Around the Rod Revisited.

From Hermione's Heart

Sunday, September 23, 2012

You Completed the Caption

I knew this photo would bring out the best in my readers, and you didn't disappoint me.

Dave: Looks like the Easter bunny forgot what time of year he is supposed to be hippity hopping. There is an outside chance that there might have been just a touch of alcohol involved.... :)

Terri: Well, THIS puts a whole new meaning on 'Playboy Bunny'. Could someone tell Heff one of his lovelies went off their meds and had a sex change?

 Who's going to tell the stoned sneakers and rabbit ears wearing humanoid thing it's under arrest? Would a baton to the butt get its attention?

Joey: That damn magician has turned his rabbit into a human again.

Anonymous: Just a hare ahead of the pack.

Ana: This was the first time that the SWAT team was put to its acronym purpose.

Minelle Labraun: Some bunny loves me.....!

Felicia Nemo: Another frosh week gone wrong at Queens as the engineering students met up in the biology department...

Sunnygirl: Hopping down the bunny trail got sidetracked.

Simon: Police: "Damn this is the third time this week we've been called out the university genetics engineering lab."

Vfrat25000: Can we shoot him? I’m not tackling him…You tackle him…I’m not touching him…No Way...Gloves or no gloves!!!

Call headquarters...We need more help…!
They want a description of the subject you are chasing!
Uhhhh…Tell them never mind…We will handle it!

This crap never happens on that show “Law and Order Special Victims Unit” This guy seems pretty “special” to me.

Great, I just stepped in a big pile of dog crap. This guy is going to regret this when I catch him!

Wheeee! I got all five numbers PLUS the Powerball….I’m rich..................I’m rich……….!

The Police Chief said he had something really different planned for his last day before retirement. He wasn’t kidding.

I had a great laugh this morning when I saw this one on my iPhone. One of the BEST! Thanks Hermione. 

I'm so glad you liked it. I always look forward to your batch of captions.

Prefectdt: Don't pick up the Easter eggs he just laid, they ain't chocolate.

Ronnie: First one to catch the bunny gets free tickets to the police ball.

A. Lurker: Bugs: "Ah, what's up Doc?"
Yosemite Sam: "I'ze a gonna catch me that wabbit 'n make me some wabbit stew!"
Silly wabbit!

Bonnie: "Joe, in the trunk of the patrol car you'll find a giant butterfly net. I think we're gonna need it..."

Lillie:  Just when we thought that Charlie Sheen had a new show, and he was going to put his life back together...

Alas the beloved Easter Bunny became yet another victim of the illicit drug and party scene that befalls many of the rich and famous.

Mitt Romney is considering a number of career alternatives if he is not elected President.

In a snap decision CNN decided to continue footage of this news breaking story, rather than the footage coming in from the riot in Pakistan.

Ian: ...Come on Chief, put your uniform on and get back in squad car...

trazuredpet: Bunnys gone wild lolol

Paul: I'm fed up with sex, I'm looking or a monastery, I've seen the light, yippee!

Bobbie-Jo: The Easter bunny got a little soused and was having a great time showing off his physique until the Keystone Kops showed up. Oh, the thoughts they had in mind, especially the female of the bunch!

Hermione: The annual university homecoming street party was even more out of control than usual this year.

Thank you, everyone, for making a silly picture even sillier. Have a safe, sane and consensual week!

From Hermione's Heart

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Complete the Caption

I don't even want to try to introduce this photo. I'll leave it up to you to speculate on the circumstances.

Complete the caption by leaving a comment, and when I stop laughing I'll publish your suggestions in the next post.

From Hermione's Heart

Friday, September 21, 2012

Friday FAIL

Today I need to rant about something that offends me deeply.


No, I don't mean the kind of toy that you can buy in an adult store or online to enjoy in the privacy of your bedroom. I mean the giant blow-up monstrosities that invade our neighbourhoods and drift across roads, parks and playgrounds when not properly secured, or collapse into wilted puddles of vinyl when the pump is turned off.

At first, they were something you saw around Christmastime.

Can you believe this reindeer is two storeys tall?

Then they started popping up at Hallowe'en...

...and Thanksgiving.

Oh, no, Easter too?

But now, they're not seasonal any more. Inflatable rats and other vermin seem to be appropriate at any time of the year.

What holiday would inspire you to put a gargoyle on your front lawn? Quasimodo Day?

Stop the madness!

From Hermione's Heart

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Butt Grab

Here's a variation on a Just For Laughs Gags prank I posted a while ago. It's a bit more intense. One guy even needs to smoke a cigarette!


From Hermione's Heart

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Wednesday WIN

Everyone needs a little motivation from time to time.

Available here.

Now don't you feel motivated?

From Hermione's Heart

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Historic Spanking

Last month we read an item in the local paper about a historic house that was open for viewing. It was over 200 years old - that's not very old for structures in Europe, but it's quite something if you live in Canada - and a mere 10 minute drive from our house. The article said it would close for the winter on Labour Day, so we decided to check it out the very next day, which happened to be Tuesday.

We Googled the location then set out on a scenic drive. We arrived at our destination, parked the car then walked along a gravel path. When we reached the house, we saw a sign that told us it was only open Wednesday through Sunday. Sigh.

Back we went the next day, only to be confronted with a new sign that said the house was open on Saturday and Sunday. By now we were ready to spank the sign writer for not making up his mind. But the admission price was nominal and we were determined to see the $%^=& house one way or another, so off we went, and returned on Saturday.

Third time's a charm, because as we approached the house from the road we saw a "House Open" sign by the side of the road, and another one on the gravel path next to it. There was yet another sign that said "Knock for Tour" so we knocked and gained admission. The friendly tour guide explained that they were short of guides as the students had all left to return to school, and that was why the house hadn't been open during the week.

As we went from room to room and and admired the architectural features of the house, I looked up at one of the windows. "That's the original glass," explained the guide. I peered out but it was hard to see through the wavy panes.

"Are the windows covered with something on the outside?" I asked. Perhaps that was why I couldn't see much.

"Yes," replied the guide, "for protection."

"With plexiglass?" I queried.

"No, lexan."

All or a sudden my spanko mind envisioned giant lexan paddles covering each of the large windows on all three stories of the house.

 Would they make a slapping sound when the wind blew? Did they frighten vandals away? What fun it must have been to live in a house with implements everywhere you looked. The guides probably smiled every time they came to work.

It turned out to be a fine summer's outing after all.

From Hermione's Heart

Monday, September 17, 2012

From the Top Shelf - Pride and Promiscuity

Pride and Promiscuity - the Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen, by Arielle Eckstut, is an absolutely fascinating read, for lovers of Jane Austen and erotica alike. A strange coincidence enabled the author to discover some long-hidden letters and manuscript pages concealed within the wall of a manor house where Austen's sister had stayed many years before. the letters were to Jane's publisher and her sister, in which Jane laments the removal of certain passages from her books. The manuscript pages were the actual sections removed from each of her six novels because of their explicit sexual content.

In Northanger Abbey, the heroine is invited to stay at the ancestral home of her new friends, Henry and Eleanor. Catherine, a fan of Gothic novels, explores the mysterious house and imagines all sorts of nefarious goings-on have taken place. One by one her fantasies are disproven as she can find nothing to justify her suspicions, except in the lost scene, in which she does find something quite interesting:

"On beholding what lay within the wardrobe, her initial disappointment gave way to confusion. A number of objects were before her. Wondering, she took them out, one by one, amd laid them on the nearest easy surface, which was the bed.

Catherine was a country girl, and like many very fond of riding. She had grown up with horses, and so she had seen many items similar, but not quite like, those which she now saw before her. There was something like a saddle, but much smaller, and with many more buckles and clasps, and without stirrups. There was something like a riding crop, but much thinner, and with--what? feathers?--affixed to one end. There was, oddly, a woman's corset, which Catherine saw was also fashioned from leather--leather! She coloured as she handled it, though she could not say, why this should be. There was a horse-whip. There were some coils of rope, of varying lengths and thicknesses. There were shackles fashioned, bafflingly, of red velvet. There was a pair of pattens*...

She decides that this is all the proof she needs; the General is a murderer. But the sudden appearance of Henry, the General's son, interrupts her investigation. She confesses her suspicions to him, and he denies that there is any possibility.

"But these very sinister-looking objects--"

"They did not belong to my father," Henry said. "He does not even know they are here."

"Then to whom do they belong?" Catherine cried.

"Miss Morland, the apparatus are mine."

Catherine stared at him, unable to speak.  What had she done? What nust he think of her? She, who had all but accused his father of murdering his mother. Catherine held back tears of embarrassment and shame.

Henry sat down upon the bed. "I can but wonder that you have attached a sinister purpose to my--well, let us call them toys."

"Toys?" Catherine cried.

"Yes--what word would you use, for that which provided hours of delight and enjoyment? Toys I suppose is as good a word as any other. Have you really no notion as to their purpose?"

"I thought I had, but it seems I was mistaken."

"Indeed you were," replied Henry. "Do not be afraid, Miss Morland, there is nothing sinister here. Can you guess what my toys are for?"

Catherine thought of hunts, and riding, and obscure equestrian skills. "Are they...for taking exercise?"

Henry smiled. "Yes, of a sort. That is a very good way of putting it. Shall I show you?"

Catherine agrees, and as Henry busies himself with his toys in order to demonstrate, she muses silently on the sorts of hobbies most men have, and how much they bore her.

...Henry finished pulling tight the last of the laces on the leather corset, the corset she now wore. Though constricting, and rather stiff and creaky, she felt very suddenly, and to her surprise, that she preferred it to the muslins and silks she had worn all her life; indeed she felt, as Henry introduced the velvet shackles into her hand, a thrill of confidence and assurance unlike any she had previously known.

During her reverie he too had been at work upon his clothes, and Catherine was startled to find him completely altered, as he was both taller (as he was tottering, in his top boots, upon the pattens) and prettier (dressed as he was in Catherine's discarded muslin chemise and cotton cap).

"Miss Morland," he said, "we have both misbehaved. You by having entertained such suspicions of my family as led you to investigate this room without permission; I by having failed to bring you here myself, and long ago. Miss Morland, let us each atone for what we have done."

They did, and Catherine began to learn a little of the penalties, and pleasures, that an inflamed imagination might produce.

*Pattens were metal rings on short stilts, worn on women's shoes in the rain to raise them a few inches above the water.

From Hermione's Heart

Sunday, September 16, 2012

You Completed the Caption

What a past it was, too! Read all about it now:

Banjo: "Hmm, that's not so shocking... I did that twice just last Thursday!" :)

Bobbsroom:  How dreamy, a good book and a hot striped bottom. I think I am about to come.

Six of the best: She says, "Compared to 50 Shades of Grey, this spanking novel is a masterpiece of literature".

SNP: Reading about the past only gave Gwen some naughty thoughts for her future. Tonight maybe she could be spanked and tied up like the book character in Chapter Four.

Sunnygirl: Oh, those were the days. Now if I can only get him to read this book.

Minelle Labraun: I will quote a song....Memories light the corner of my mind.....he he.

Ronnie: Vince was right, A Lady With A Past is a perfect title for my book.

Prefectdt: Alison had always believed that you should not judge a book by it's cover. But this one wasn't helping her to improve her bondage techniques at all!

Ricky: Would you like to buy my special autographed copy, just for you?

Ana: Flocks of new students were horribly disappointed to find out that they had unintentionally signed up for a grammar class.

Lillie: And so members of the local school board learned an important lesson about thoroughly checking the references of substitute teachers......Mrs. Hottotrot was in fact, not a historian after all.

Welcome. Lillie.

Young Lady: Henrietta look enraptured with her novel until Arthur was finished walking through the room, then she pulled out her calculus text and started furiously studying. She couldn't let him know she actually had a brain.

Vfrat25000: I will get a spanking if I’m caught reading this book! Where is that husband of mine? I wish he would hurry up and get in here and catch me reading this disgraceful novel…….giggle

Chapter 16: I will substitute a slipper for the belt, I will go over his knee instead of over the desk and it will be bare bottom, not over my night gown. OK, my evening is planned out.

WOW!!!…I NEED a cigarette!

Forget Life Magazine, Readers Digest and the Saturday Evening Post. Momma is stocking her library with some new literature!!

George, I am going to put a smile on your face that a Tax Audit couldn’t take away.

Helen…Helen…..Helen did you hear me! I said I have a tee time tomorrow at 900am. George, get the hairbrush. You need to practice a different type of swing tonight! I am a naughty, naughty girl! Helen what the…..! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Myyyyyyyyyyyyy! 

Crankyspanker: MMMMMMM Silk sliding over freshly spanked bottom. I think I'll have to read in bed tonight.

Hermione: That's nothing compared to my future!

Well, that was fun! Come back next week for another off the wall photo.

From Hermione's Heart