One Hand Clapping

I like noisy spankings, but I think using this might really disturb the neighbours.

Tractor Seat Love

As I was driving to work one morning the words to a song on the radio caught my attention. I muttered the lines to myself while I groped in the depths of my bag for my blogging notebook. When I stopped at a red light I managed to scribble down what I remembered, then found the rest on the internet.

The song is called "Emma Brown" by Canadian singer Juanita Wilkins, and it's about a city girl who marries a farm boy. It has a wonderful verse that goes like this:

Nothing so fine
As a woman's behind
When it's shaped like a tractor seat.

And he still gets that same thrill
When he's thinking of
Early days when he and Emma
seemed to live on love

and spanking?

I'll bet Emma and Tommy have fun in the hay barn!

Have a Politically Correct Christmas

Dear friends,
Have an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; plus, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great, (not to imply that Canada is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference/orientation (the use of which terminology is not intended to imply a preference or deference to one theory or another on the physiological nature of sexuality) of the wisher.

Disclaimer:

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.

For That Special Someone

For your next play party or spanko get-together, order some personalized M&M candy treats here. You can even have the picture of your favourite implement (or your favourite bottom) printed on them. Choose all colours or a specific set in keeping with your theme.

Sleigh Ride

One of the distinctive features of the festive season is the holiday music you hear everywhere you go. Ad nauseum. After a couple of months of hearing the same tunes over and over, I do get tired most of them. But there's one that I never tire of hearing.

It's the Boston Pops' instrumental version of Sleigh Ride, written by Leroy Anderson in 1948. This arrangement features sound effects--sleigh bells, hoofbeats, a horse's whinny, and the crack of a whip.

I love the sound of that whip. I don't think it really sounds like a buggy whip at all; it's more like the sound of a hand spanking a bare bum. One of my favourite sounds of the season. Listen to it here.

What do you think?

Spanko Shopping Again

I was browsing for Christmas gifts last week, when I found myself in a store with some very interesting and unusual items. Not only was I able to pick up some presents for the people on my list, but my imagination ran wild when I saw these attractive spanking implements. I think the other shoppers were too busy to notice my blushes.


Shoehorns are always useful. This one seems to enjoy his work.



These cute flyswatters are so decorative! Very rigid, too. I pity the poor fly that gets in the way of one of these.


A heart for Hermione. How appropriate! I can't see using this for cooking or baking. Can you?

These would all make wonderful gifts that keep on giving, for the spanko in your life.

Whack that Chocolate

I bought some Terry's chocolate oranges today. They aren't a Christmas tradition in our house yet, but I'm trying to make it so. They are solid balls of orange-flavoured chocolate that separate into slices with a little effort on the eater's part.

As you can see, the label on top of the foil-wrapped chocolate says, "Whack & Unwrap". Isn't that backward? Usually a spanking starts with "unwrap" followed by "whack".

Oh well, better than "tap and unwrap". Yes, it rhymes, but it just doesn't have a spanko ring to it.

Because all labels on goods sold in Canada must be in both French and English, the French version is "le gout qui vaut le coup". Loosely translated, that means "the taste is worth the swat".

Ya think?

Spanko Television

A casual glance at the television listings in our local paper revealed some very startling programs. At least, the names seem somewhat spankingesque. I picked the best ones to show you.

Part of their charm lies in the fact that the daily listing is confined to about a quarter of a page, and the names of the shows are squeezed into tiny slots. So the names below may not be the entire name of the program, just what what was displayed.

Disorderly Conduct
Domestic Disturbance
Very Bad Men
Benchwarmers
Principal's Office
Whacked Out
You Bet Your Ass
Impact
Smackdown
First 48
Burn Notice
Light it Up
Glutton for Punishment
Confessions of OTK (actually it was BTK)
Color Correction
Kink
Unique Whips
Are We Done Yet?
In Corner
Still Standing
Naked
All Access

Isn't Canadian TV wonderful?

Truth or Dare

It's not too late to order this adult version of the party game, Truth of Dare, for the holidays. Recommended in a national newspaper as a way to spice up the festive season,

Santa needn't be the only one knowing who's naughty or nice. The truth will out with this erotic card game inviting lovers to draw lots to see who gives, and who receives, the saucy gift of a spanking.

You can buy if from Chroniclebooks.com. While you're there, check out what customers who bought the game also bought.

Ron said I could buy one, and even though it's no mystery who will be giving or receiving the spanking, it would be a fun way to spend New Year's Eve.

The View from Here - Why blog?

My husband reads this blog, but I wonder if he really understands why I feel the need to write about spanking. I hope this will give him a better idea of what Hermione's Heart is all about.

After I discovered spanking blogs and started reading them, there came a time when commenting on other blogs just wasn't enough. I had so much to say I thought I would burst. It's a topic that fascinates me, and the fact that I had discovered an environment where it was safe to be myself was too good to be true.

And so I started my own blog, and I'm glad I did. I've never had so much fun! It has become an important creative outlet for me. My day job leaves me frustrated, bored and unchallenged. I need some stimulating mental activity to keep my mind active, and blogging certainly does that. When I was in school I loved to write, and after many years of doing other things, I've finally returned to it with more enthusiasm than ever.

This blog is about spanking. I know that I'm very fortunate to live with a man who enjoys spanking me as much as I enjoy being spanked. I write about my personal experiences from time to time if I think my readers might find them interesting. I'm also constantly on the lookout for spanking-related ideas. The newspaper, radio, television and internet are a few of my sources of inspiration. When you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

My posts are cheerful, upbeat and positive. I won't write about anything negative or unpleasant unless there's a happy ending. If I'm having a bad day, you won't hear about it. Nor will I write about mundane day-to-day happenings; that's just my personal preference. I like to act on the assumption that happiness is contagious, and hope I can make my readers smile.

I'm a word person, not a picture person, and I was surprised to find that I really enjoy hunting for just the right illustration to accompany each post. But you won't see any photos of me. I will never post pictures depicting nudity, sexual activity or even spanking. I leave that to the many excellent graphically-oriented blogs. My pictures are all rated for family viewing, although the content may not be.

Anonymity is of paramount importance. Because I'm a Harry Potter fan, I picked names from that series of books to use as our pseudonyms. Even the cat and dogs have Potteresque names. I will never divulge specific details that might reveal my true identity. Although I do write about real events, I change small details just to be on the safe side.

I love hearing from my readers, and enjoy the friendship and camaraderie that I have developed with readers and other bloggers. But I have no desire to take any acquaintance out of the blogosphere and pursue it in real life. I am happily monogamous, and feel that one of the purposes of this blog is to proudly show how contented Ron and I are in our relationship.

Three Cheers for Bonnie!

Bonnie, you sure have a great PR firm. That's why your blog is so popular!
One thousand posts is an outstanding achievement, and your many readers cherish every one of them.

Congratulations on reaching 6 million spanks on My Bottom Smarts. No wonder it's bright red!

The Bells are Ringing

You've all been very creative in your suggestions concerning this leather implement . . . er, decoration. Here are the guesses.

Jflame - I wonder if you were made to dress up like a cat with a pretty bell collar?
Or maybe it should hang on the wall next to your bed?
Maybe you should pin it on Ron so you can hear him if he tries to sneak up to give you an advent spank.
Hey that's good! Who wants a ordinary advent calender when you could make a Spanking advent calender?
Behind each door is 1. Number of spanks. 2. Implement. 3. Position.
Lets see how many people use my idea.
Hermione plleeeaseeee whats the answer? I'm begging now!!!!!
Jay, the Advent calendar is too funny. You really must explore that one on your blog. As for the other guesses, no I haven't worn it, and it would look fine on the wall, but it isn't there.
 
Andrades - I was thinking along the same lines as Jflame, but not quite as creatively though. I was thinking of it as a Christmas Collar, and then when you remove the collar it can be used as a Christmas Spanker, sort of a 2 for one deal. Can't wait to hear the answer, hope you have pictures!
I'll have to try it on and see how it looks. 
 
Paul - Hermione, suggest that it's something like belling the cat. Success is rewarded by the belt being used on you.
Paul, that's my favourite kind of reward, but I don't think the cat would be pleased.
 
Greenwoman - Pin the tail on the spanko?
That's terrific! I'd love to play that game.
 
Pest - Hermione, this would be more noise being used than it would actually sting. LOL! I would say place it half on the wall then half on the bedpost! That way it will have more than one use for it. I really don't think you would like my answer on this blog what I think Ron did with the bells! Hehehehe!
The noise would be considerable, and I like noise during a spanking. I can't imagine what your other suggestion is!
 
Prefectdt - He didn't actually put them on a sleigh did he?
No, but it is on something that moves.
K - Hmmm, do you hang it in front of the fireplace so you can hear Santa if he comes early? So that he won't catch you being naughty? :)
That's a good idea. It would warm up nicely too. Maybe we should try that.
 
Maryann - Hang it on the bird feeder to scare the squirrels away... like a scarecrow for squirrels?
Dr. Ken - Hang it on a bird feeder to scare the squirrels away.
Great minds think alike, but our squirrels are pretty fearless.
 
Lynne - I know this is terribly vanilla and boring but.. we have a similar set of bells and we put it on one of the exterior doors to merrily greet visitors during the holidays. Ours is rather stiff and unbending due to being stored in the hot attic for years. It would not make a very good pervertible but we are open to suggestions :)
You're close! And if you want to soften yours, use Neatsfoot Oil, followed by saddle soap.
 
G - I think it's to hang on the doorknob, but my evil mind has another use in mind!
That's where it hangs, but it's used for good, not for evil.
 
Girl - Yes, for vanilla purposes I'd say it was for doorknobs. We have larger bells at my parent's.
You guessed it. It has a very vanilla purpose. It hangs on the doorknob of the back door, and the dogs whack it to tell us when they need to go out. At least, that's the theory!

Thanks, everybody, for guessing.

Ring Those Bells!

Things get interesting around our house when Ron brings the Christmas decorations up from the basement.

We always have the same argument every year about this particular item. Is it an ornament? Is it a pervertable? Do we hang it on the wall? Do we hang it on the bedpost? Is it purely decorative? Should it be treated as functional?

What do you think Ron did with the sleigh bells this year? They do have a purpose, and I'll bet you can't guess what it is. You'll have to think outside the box for this one.

If you haven't commented here before, now's your chance. I'll post your guesses and the correct answer in a few days.

Read at Work

If you get bored at work and want to escape into a novel for a while, http://readatwork.com/ is just what you've been looking for.

The site displays what looks like a Windows XP startup screen. Click, and you'll find yourself looking at a fake desktop with folders containing different types of reading material. Each book, story or poem looks like a Powerpoint presentation, so you can read at your desk and no one will be any the wiser.
There are no spanking stories or pictures--I checked--but it's still worth a visit.

100,000 and Counting

Wow! I've had 100,000 visitors since I started my little blog, and it isn't even a yearling yet.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for dropping into my humble corner of the blogosphere*. Without you, dear readers, I wouldn't be here.

Hugs,
Hermione
 
*By the way, did you know the word "blogosphere" appears in the latest edition of The Canadian Press Caps and Spelling? (That's a reference book for writers and editors.) So it really is a word. Who knew!

A Christmas Meme

I found this meme on el tercer ojo and thought it was a nice way mark to the beginning of the Christmas season.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Fabric or paper gift bags.
2. Real tree or artificial? Green artificial.

3. When do you put up the tree? Four weeks before Christmas.
4. When do you take the tree down? January 6.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, in small quantities.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? A cowboy outfit, complete with hat, chaps and vest.
7. Hardest person to buy for? People we have never met who will be spending Christmas Eve with us.
8. Easiest person to buy for? The cat.
9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, the figures are clay and it sits in a niche beside the fireplace.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Christmas cards by snail mail.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Silly, useless things at the office gift exchange.
12. Favorite Christmas movie? We watch Prancer every year without fail.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Casually, whenever I see something suitable. Then late November for real.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes, but they usually get donated to fundraiser raffles.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Shortbread.
16. Lights on the tree; colored or white? White and blue.

17. Favorite Christmas song? The Beach Boys' Santa's Beard. My favourite carol is The Huron Carol.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We stay home and prepare the feast.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? A purple angel.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve with family, then on Christmas Day Ron and I open gifts from each other.
22. Favorite ornament theme or color? We have cats, birds, dogs, rabbits and various other animals on the tree. Some table and wall ornaments have a musical theme.
23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Roast turkey, mashed potatoes, and my homemade plum pudding with hard sauce.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? A spanking for each of the twelve days of Christmas.
25. Who is most likely to respond to this? Someone who has the Christmas spirit.
Merry Christmas, and feel free to have fun with this meme on your blog.

A Spankable Chef

A television personality that I used to find very irritating but have grown to tolerate, if not love, is Rachael Ray. I have become a semi-regular viewer of her latest cooking show, Thirty Minute Meals. Granted, she is still irritatingly perky and peppy, and uses odd verbal shorthand like "EVOO" for extra-virgin olive oil. But she does have one redeeming feature. Besides the fact that nearly all her meals look and sound delicious and very quick and easy, that is.

That feature is her beautiful leather belt. Rachael almost always wears jeans on the show, and her usual accessory is a wide, well-worn brown leather belt.

Is she spankable? She certainly deserves a spanking for being so bouncy. The camera rarely allows us a glimpse of her derriere. When she turns around to get something from the fridge or a cupboard, another camera quickly takes over so we only get a side view. I suspect she might be a little self-conscious about that part of her anatomy.

If you enjoy belts as much as I do, the show is worth a peek. Who knows? You might come away with a good idea for supper!

The Terrible Trio

Just for fun, here's a look inside our bedroom, and the triumvirate of leather paddles, ready for action. they're on Ron's side, of course.
Ouch!

A Spameme

Here's another meme from Bonnie's archives.
1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night? - Night
2. On which side of the bed do you sleep? - The right side
3. Pork, beef, or chicken? - Chicken
4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? - Once when I was carsick.
5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on? - Just a minute while I take them off and put them on.
Right.
6. Candles or incense? - Candles
7. Do you dance when no one is watching? - Sometimes
8. Did you play doctor when you were little? - No, but I played spanking
9. Stove top cooking or microwave? - Stove top except for heating water
10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty? - Car
11. Shower or bath? - Shower
12. Do you pee in the shower? - Never
13. Mexican or Chinese food? - Chinese, but I rarely eat either
14. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? - Aggressive
15. Do you own sex toys? - Sure do
16. Corn dogs or hot dogs? - Hot dogs once in a while
17. Your favorite restaurant? - An Italian place
18. What did you have for lunch today? - Pate, cheese and crackers
19. When did you last fall down? - 2 years ago, twice within 10 minutes on icy sidewalks
20. Have you ever wished someone were dead? - No
21. Love or money? - Love
22. Credit cards or cash? - Credit cards, with the balance always paid each month
23. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t? - Yes, definitely
24. Oreos or vanilla wafers? - Vanilla wafers have fewer calories. Does that count as an answer?
25. How do you like your steak cooked? - Marinated, then grilled and thinly sliced
26. How do you like your eggs cooked? - Scrambled
27. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight? - No
28. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel? - Hotel. I don't do camping.
29. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery? - Root canal. They aren't so bad after the first 10 or so.
30. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money? - How much money?
31. Would you rather have lice or an STD? - Neither
32. What’s your favorite hard candy? - Werther's Originals
33. Ever been to a strip club? - Yes
34. Ever been to a bar? - Yes
35. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? - No
36. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? - No
37. Kissed someone of the same sex? - Yes
38. Had sex in the car? - Yes
39. Had sex at the beach? - No
40. Had sex in a movie theater? - No
41. Had sex in a bathroom? - No
42. Have you ever been in an “adult” store? - Yes
43. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with? - I'm not sure I have a list like that
44. Have you been caught having sex? - No
45. Have you ever kissed a stranger? - No
46. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you? - I hope not!

I'm not going to tag anybody, because last time, I tagged Devlin, who gave it to Gwen to deal with. Then she tagged Dr. Ken and that got us both in trouble. According to the doctor, memes are just another form of spam--hence the title of this post. But I encourage you to post your version of it on your blog, or in the comments here if you don't have one. Have fun!

Remove Those Belts

Toy bears and other animals dressed like Mounties are being recalled from souvenir shops all across Canada because of their belts.
Why? Not because they're too kinky. The reason is, the level of lead in their belts is too high. In addition, the buttons present a choking hazard. "Mounties" are members of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and one of the familiar symbols of Canada, dressed in their scarlet tunics, brown hats, and leather belts.
The article advises that owners of the toys should strip those Mounties bare. I have visions of small stuffed toys being turned over the knees of foreign visitors and being given a spanking.

Oh, Martha

When I see a message in my inbox with the subject line "Organizing Belts" you can bet I'll open that one first.
It was from Martha Stewart, and I have to share it with you here.
The belts in the picture look a bit wimpy and fuzzy; they don't do a thing for me. I'd keep them rolled up and hidden in a drawer too.
If you read the article, you'll see that she does advise the alternative of hanging belts from a hook. She agrees that they should be stored so that "they are neat and accessible."
I still haven't seen Martha come up with her version of a St. Andrew's cross but I think this bedside stand has definite possibilities.

A Lemming Again

After hearing over and over from Grace, PK, and Eva how effective a backscratcher--they fondly refer to it as a BS--can be in the hands of the right man, I gave in and bought one.
The last time I succumbed to peer pressure and bought an implement, I was very sorry, at least for the first few times it was used on my backside. But this time things will be different.
I hope.
I didn't actually set out to buy a BS. But while I was browsing in my favourite thrift store, I just happened to wander by the shelves filled with wooden odds and ends. And there it was! So I snatched it up and hurried to the checkout, before I had a chance to reconsider.
In case you're wondering, it looks like one of these:


Brrr! I can't imagine owning a whole collection of them. Can you, Grace?
So, it's at home, hidden under the clutter on my desk. The man who wields the implements doesn't know about it yet. I'm open to suggestions as to how I should go about revealing it to Ron.
Should I:

• sneak up behind him, scratch his back with it, then tell him about its other possible use?

• casually lay it on the bedside table before a spanking, and let him figure it out?

• put a ribbon on it and say honey, I bought you a present?

• leave it on top of the clutter on my desk where he will find it the next time he's looking for a pen that works?

• bury it at the bottom of the bag of donations for the thrift shop and forget about it?

What do you think I should do?