Today we get a new puppy, a brother of our current one, so brunch was prepared ahead of time. I hope it's still warm! Our good friend and fellow blogger Jean Marie posed this week's question.
Do people see the act of "topping from the bottom" as a negative, something to be avoided, or not?
Please leave your response as a comment. I will publish an edited summary of our discussion after I get my fill of puppy kisses.
Glory to Ukraine
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14 comments:
Because I posed the question, let me go back to explain why. Back when I could live my life my way (pre-Covid), I liked to date around. I see myself as a serial monogamist. So when you are getting to know someone new, you need to feel out how you like to operate, as well what you like and dislike. To have my needs and wants met as a submissive, I haven't been shy about giving feedback in the moment to my partner. This honesty wasn't always seen by every Top as a positive.
Looking back on that history with a sense of humor (as I try to keep), at least this "Topping from the bottom" provided grist for the punishment mill, it gave guys another reason (as if they needed more) to spank me harder, longer, all over again.
I don't imagine that this brunch topic will appeal to long-established couples in the scene. But I also imagine that there are many out there (perhaps lurkers, like I was for too long) who it does speak to, and I hope they'll speak up!
Thank you again, Hermione, for hosting this treasured forum with such grace and kindness; I love your blog!
Warmly,
Jean Marie
As the one with the interest in being spanked, I always topped from the bottom. However as we have grown together my wife/mistress/goddess has learnt what I am doing and more importantly gained understanding that what I really want is to be out of control. These days any attempt to top from the bottom in a punishment spanking will be met by stern rebuke.
I don't know if "discussion" afterwards counts as topping from the bottom, but we will often talk about it afterwards and I do see aspects from that discussion applied in subsequent spankings.
If I am desperate to be spanked and ask for a spanking, she will allow me to ask for pretty much anything that I need. This is rather nice for a change.
So now, topping from the bottom is not a negative... just another facet. The Top choses whether to allow it, what to do about it, and the bottom learns!
I am the spankee/spanko and my wife agreed years ago to be the spanker. So I ask for the spanking, hand her the paddle or crop or long shoe horn, assume the position and ask for a spanking to the appropriate prime number. My wife likes prime numbers for the spanks she gives. We agree on the prime number and she proceeds to spank me. Often times when the original prime number has been reached, I might give her a new prime number to continue the spanking and she agrees. So if this is topping from bottom, it works for me and my wife.
Baxter
I do it, but would prefer not to.
Generally, I think feedback is helpful but there are several factors. If it's a new relationship, for example, then many tops would appreciate guidance. In regular relationships, the top can probably read non-verbal signals well enough to perform accordingly.
I like verbal feedback on both ends.
However, I realize that too much talking or topping from the bottom spoils it for many folks.
There is simply no right or wrong here -- it's a matter of partnership choice.
Graham
Hi Hermione,
Firstly, yay on the new pup and more puppy cuddles. Hope all is going well with the new addition.
This is an interesting question. I don't think topping from the bottom is always negative. Feedback is important and healthy in any relationship to ensure both parties needs are met.
Hugs
Roz
Topping from the bottom is probably bad if it breaks the spell. But as generally a dom, I don't mind hearing what the bottom has to say. Although, that should probably come during straight time, when possible.
My goal is to meet our needs. That specifically includes their needs, so it's important to know what those needs are.
Part of that is wanting to know if they want to be punished for bratting.
At the same time, I want some honest submission. Without that, the relationship isn't going to work for me.
But if the encounter is working well, the sub is very unlikely to top from the bottom, because they are getting what they need without it.
Hope the new puppy is healthy and a lot of fun.
I prefer not to top from the bottom, but when playing with inexperienced play partners, it is just a necessity. People are not born with practical skills, everyone needs to take that learning curve.
Prefectdt
Trying to remember - don't you already have a puppy?? OR is this a new puppy to keep an another dog company??? and well you too of course!! nothing better than puppy antics!
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As for topping from the bottom - that's a phrase from way back (for me) I was often accused of topping from the bottom.... BUT just cause you identify as Dom doesn't mean you don't make mistakes!! Even doms need some direction ! (which is what frequently got me in trouble - not believing that they were infallible)
Now 'topping from the bottom' is called communication around here... Sir Steve is not a mind reader and welcomes any direction/information I give him....... we both agree I can suggest what I want - say what I want - but he gets the final say (shrug) it works for us
I think it depends on the couple - feedback is important, and if it's done in a way that's respectful and not hurtful it could be a very good thing indeed. In which case, does it still count as "topping from the bottom"?
I mean, there's "Could I please have more?" and "You call that a spanking? Put some elbow grease in it!"
I was the one who wanted to include spanking in our relationship and so part of our dynamic involved reassuring BIKSS that he wasn't hurting me, that I was fine, that my butt isn't going to dissolve into a hot mess and no, I wasn't going to report him to the cops after this was over. LOL.
We talk about it BOTH when we're IN the spanking and out. And some people might have a preference as to which they prefer. But one thing I know is I wouldn't be able to refrain from rolling my eyeballs at a Dom who fancied himself a mindreader and insisted on silence.
This is a great topic. My sense is that spankos - as opposed to serious BDSM players-- would be better dropping the phrase “ topping from the bottom” altogether.
It’s confusing and misleading if not actually harmful to spanking relationships. Good spanking relationships are built on good communication from both partners. So stifling talk from one or the other can also stifle good communication.
Now I understand that someone who insisted on giving detailed “do it this way” to a partner is going to be a problem but there is a happy middle ground. My wife and I have tried different things over time and they all worked at the time. Early in our spanking relationship we observed a 24 hour rule when neither of us talked about what happened. But then after, either of us was free to exchange views or discuss issues.
Now we most communicate in twice monthly “dates” which often include behavior review too. But anyway it’s done it’s very important to communicate with each other and ditch the hoary old “topping from the bottom” taboo. It never belonged in consensual spanking
Alan
I'm leery of the whole concept of topping from the bottom, because it inherently seeks to cut off communication. At the end of the day, all these power exchange relationships work well only if both parties are getting their needs met. I don't know how that is going to happen if the sub is always discouraged from saying what they want/need.
Topping from the bottom is fine, and even a good idea.
The term is used pejoratively by folks who want top/bottom dom/sub relationships to be real, sometimes 24/7.
To each their own, I suppose, but Irene and I play games with her in charge but it's more fun for both of us if we have a serious discussion from time to time about what works and what doesn't. If I say, for example, that I would like to be spanked with a whip then a paddle, it's "topping" from the bottom" but so be it.
It's more fun during a session to play the bottom role, so I sometimes have to trick her into doing what I want - sometimes by asking her not to do something. For example, if I say "stop it that hurts, I don't deserve a spanking", it is code for the to spank me harder or longer. (Our safe word is "enough", but I don't think I have ever used it. Once in a while she has hit me too hard in the wrong place and it has been immediately obvious.)
- Rosco
As most have stated, topping from the bottom is enhanced communication. It can lessen the scene but if both parties want that communication, perfect. My wife and I regularly discuss upcoming sessions, wherein I express my desire for this or that. It helps her prepare. Afterwords, we usually discuss how each of us felt during the session. My expressions have helped her get more comfortable with administrating the discipline/punishment beyond where she thinks I can go. In doing so she has learned to enjoy the actual discomfort as she knows I enjoy it too.
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