Welcome, one and all, to the first spanko brunch for the month of March. Today's topic was suggested last week by Sage Blum, one of our newest brunch guests and fairly new to spanking. I hope you can give her some good advice.
I am curious about people who are dominant or submissive. What draws people to these roles? Since neither of us is consistently in a role, I don't even know what, if anything, my partner and I should call ourselves.
Please leave your response as a comment below. Once everyone has had a chance to speak, I will publish an edited summary of our conversation.
Slava Ukraini
Glory to Ukraine
Posts
8 comments:
Maybe I asked a question with too obvious an answer.
Except for TTWD, spankos of course aren't different from the rest of the population.
Most vanilla people adopt the traditional gender roles given to them when growing up, in their family neighborhood and school. And a few do not. It seems to be the same with spankos.
I was looking for a woman who would take charge. I had could at times spend too much, get mad if I did not get my way. It was dating a older woman, the first time I was spanked as an adult by her, that the spanking hurt, but it brought relief, security. The woman I married, knew this older women, while dating I got out of line, was given the choice of ending the relationship or getting a spanking. I took the spanking knowing she would be easy on me. Boy was I wrong, she started with the hand, and then the hairbrush. What made it worse was she pulled my pants, underpants down, scolded me. This was when I must call her Mommy. I was wanting it to end, could not get off her lap when she said Mommies spank naughty little boys, and I have been just that and the final few spanks she said to call her Mommy until told otherwise. Spankings have made the marriage strong. Jack
I have a hard time defining my role, too. I'm on the receiving end of spankings at home, and my wife and I have dipped our toes into a FLR dynamic. Yet, I'm not remotely submissive in temperament or in my day-to-day relationships. At heart, I am a Type A, dominant personality that, as a result of those tendencies, feels a strong need to give up control at home and to be accountable to someone (my wife) in a way that is very different from my usual role.
If I knew the term, I would have called myself a switch.
I administered one very successful spanking in 1969 which preceded my first trips to 1st and 3rd base - Martha encouraged me to skip 2nd base. What a night that was.
In the 1970s, the few times I tried to introduce spanking were unsuccessful and I was pretty discouraged and hesitant to ask.
I started dating Irene in 1980. We had a great honest relationship from the onset. When I mentioned spanking, she seemed surprised, and said she’d give it a try but she would be the one doing the spanking and had no interest receiving one.
My interest in being the top has pretty much evaporated over the past 44 years, but I enjoy being spanked as much as ever. If I wasn’t married, and were with a particularly bratty woman I’d probably think about spanking her but I’ve pretty much settled into being the spankee.
Rosco
Thanks for the comments so far. I can see how if you are a female spanko, who wants to be a spankee, or a male spanko who wants to be the spanker, then traditional gender roles of dominant male/submissive female seem to fit. So you go that route--maybe even extra dominant/extra submissive to try to help your success in the dating world, in finding a compatible partner.
Although in my particular relationship they don't fit. My partner and I were attracted to each other partly due to our independence. There's no consistent dominance or submission on the part of either of us--either in the bedroom or elsewhere. And once I finally got the courage to ask, spanking fit into our relationship just fine. Because it's all "foreplay" to him. If he were a spanko, maybe he would be a switch.
For most female spankees and male spankers, I guess traditional gender roles seem like they're not broke. So you don't fix them. Maybe you even accentuate them. But for male spankees and female spankers, traditional gender roles do seem broke. So you fix them.
It sounds like it's all a matter of us doing things that we think can get our needs met, whatever those needs may be.
For me and my partner, traditional roles seemed broken, because we both grew up in a strict religion. And both in the religious schools we attended, and at home, gender roles and other hierarchical roles seemed arbitrary and broken. Also, the idea of deserved punishment was foreign. Punishments were arbitrary. We never believed that we or others we knew who were punished, deserved it--or that anyone was punishing anyone out of love. I realize now that that can sometimes be true, though it still seems somewhat foreign to me.
So all that seemed broken to us. Which is why we choose to relate through frequent feedback, exploration, communication and negotiation. Which is not for everyone, of course. Just our way of fulfilling our own needs.
Submission can have many faces besides just taking a spanking. And even then, the type of spanking one is willing to accept is also open to personal needs and taste. Like Dan, I am not what people expect when one thinks "submissive male". In fact when we came out to a few friends, they weren't as surprised at the kink as much as who was in each role. However, for us, our roles are a perfect fit.
Now as to the 'why' of it all? Well, for me, I know I can be many things.....most of them good.....but others a bit frustrating for those around me. I also find that besides enjoying spanking for fun, I sincerely benefit from deserved punishments. They ground and balance me, and help with guilt. (They also give Rosa (and others) an outlet for their feelings). I, like others have admitted, have fallen into such a role with women who learned that not only was such a lifestyle empowering for them, but that it worked! Any hesitation or concerns disappeared as they found they could address something that bothered them and rather than me feeling resentment, I would sincerely apologize, and try to improve. It didn't take long for the Tops in my life to realize the emotional and practical benefits of using spanking as a household management tool!
But I am also sexually submissive and it has been decades since I had an orgasm that wasn't formally approved by another. In fact I associate the physical pleasure and release of orgasm with the final asking of permission to come and hearing Rosa grant it. Since I am 'holding back' until that permission is given, the granting of it and the subsequent sensations have been inextricably linked for so long that I can't imagine "just having an orgasm". It would seem........diminished or incomplete.
And I think the "why" for this level of submission to the will of another is not the same as it is for spanking. I believe for me, making myself an exception to the usual rule of everyone being entitled to free orgasms whenever, I feel my role is reinforced, my status and pride healthily diminished, and the actual orgasmic experience elevated to something rare, special, and powerful.
As you can see, both are different, yet combined? Living a lifestyle where my spouse can feel free to not only govern the household, but to feel no obligation to granting orgasms unless she feels they are deserved, establishes a very real world of 'reward and punishment' for me. And for me, that is a good thing and makes everything better, including ....and perhaps especially......my own behavior.
From Sage's comments, we assume she and her partner both give and receive spankings, when needed or wanted. Disciplinary? Erotic?
Correct take?
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