Music of the Spheres

It was my turn to choose the implements, so I brought out the belt, a white plastic spatula, and the new brown wooden paddle. Ron hadn't seen the paddle before, but he admired it and tested it against his palm as I explained the story behind it.

"So what do you think it is?" I asked.

"It's a paddle."

"Yes, but do you think someone made it for spanking? What was it for?" I persisted.

" It must be a ping pong paddle."

"A homemade ping pong paddle? But there was only one. I don't think so."

The first swats made me realize I had made a very unwise purchase, and that it was even more unwise (unwiser?) to argue. The homemade paddle set my bottom on fire immediately, and I had to beg Ron to slow down. He did, but didn't lessen the force of the impact.


"I'm taking that thing back to the store on Monday," I complained. Ron chuckled and ignored my outburst.

Finally he stopped and changed implements. The smack and thud of the leather belt was a welcome relief. I see far too little of it, so when I do it's always a treat.

Soon he switched to the slim white spatula and administered some rapid-fire staccato swats. I thought of the "Rapid-Fire Challenge" on Top Chef. I was undergoing my own challenge, and it wasn't in the kitchen. But it wasn't so bad now that my bottom was well warmed up.

All too soon, Ron went back to the wooden paddle. "I like this," he said. "It has a nice ring to it." He played a merry one-note tune on my reddened globes. I don't know exactly what it was but it clearly ended with "Shave and a haircut, two bits."

"I suppose if you had a collection of different sizes you could play a real tune," I observed.

No reply, except an energetic application of the paddle. The belt was ignored from then on. Ron alternated between the two stingy implements: the high-pitched white whacker and the deeper-voiced paddle.

"Yes, I really like this ping pong paddle. How much was it?"

"A dollar ninety-nine. Are we done here?"

"That was a real bargain. Okay, you're done. You're glowing in the dark."

Ron has a new favourite implement. Oh, goody.