I am a naughty girl

Just in time for the holidays, our friend A.J. sent me this funny clip from the defunct television series Two and a Half Men, titled "Santa's Village of the Damned."

The episode has Alan dating Sandy, Malibu's answer to a "Fatal Attraction-like" Martha Stewart.  Their desire for her fabulous culinary output is ultimately overwhelmed by her craziness.   She actually believes in Santa Claus.

The characters are:
-  Charlie, a wealthy, full-time skirt-chaser with a house on the beach.
-  Alan, his mooch of a brother who lives with him with his son.
-  Sandy, the guest actress who, as one can see, happens to be very attractive!

Alan met Sandy at a gourmet cooking class and started dating her. She is a terrific cook and they enjoy every moment of her skills.  Until....!  In the closing scenes, Sandy has gone all Glenn Close and is sitting in the living room staring into nowhere, turning the Christmas lights on and off.

    Charlie:  I think something's wrong with Sandy.

    Alan:  I just said that!! Do you ever listen to me?  (Turns) Sandy?  Sweetheart?  You okay?

    Sandy:  He's not coming.

    Alan:  Who's not coming?

    Sandy:  Santa.  Every year, I try to make things perfect.  And every year I fail.  Mama was right.  I am a naughty girl.  (Stands, turns and looks at Alan)  Come on, Alan.

    Alan:  Where are we going?

    Sandy:  I want you to teach this naughty girl a lesson.  She needs to be punished.  (Exits to the bedroom.)

    Charlie:  You lucky dog!

    Alan:  What?  I'm not going in there!  She's nuts!

    Charlie:  Yeah, so?  Sеx with crazy chicks is great!  Just make sure you pick positions where you can see what her hands are doing.

    Alan:  No. No, that would be taking advantage of...of a mentally unbalanced person.

    Charlie:  Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed. You might as well hop on board for a farewell cruise.

    Alan:  I don't think so. It just wouldn't be right.

    (Sandy reappears wearing a 'festive holiday outfit.')

    Sandy:  Come on, Alan.  I'm ready.

    Alan, takes one look, turns to Charlie:  Good night.  (Leaves with Sandy.)

    Charlie:  Okay!  Pie for everybody.

Here's the clip. The scene above starts at the 3:11 mark and ends 1:31 later when you can end it, so it's not too long.  But watch it all so you get an idea of the level of Sandy's crazy.  

Glory to Ukraine

Coronation Street Spanking

There hasn't been much kink on Coronation Street lately, but here's what I've seen in episodes aired in Canada over the past few months.

After a teenage couple have an argument and split up, their single parents arrange to accidentally meet at a bowling alley with their respective children, in the hopes of helping them resolve their differences. After their attempt fails and the youngsters go their separate ways, the parents are left together.

Joe (a builder): We're entitled to a bit of fun, aren't we?...Let's go put some embarrassing shoes on."

Gail: Why do I feel like a naughty schoolgirl?"

Joe: Watch what you say. I do a mean line in court about punishment."

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Weeks later, romance is in full bloom for both the teens and their parents. Gail and Joe are leaving for a romantic weekend. She comes down the stairs, and the kids tease her about her unfashionable coat. Joe takes her in his arms, swats her bottom and says she's a very sexy woman.

Joe's daughter: "Let's lay the ground rules. No bum-slapping. It makes me sick."

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Disgruntled Norris, upon returning from a very crowded Christmas church service, complained that he couldn't find anywhere to sit, and had to stand pressed up against the font. The result was that he had "the life of St. Chad embossed on my backside. You could do a rubbing."

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At a girls-only party the evening before a wedding, the future mother-in-law of the bride-to-be gave the handsome, sexy bartender a loud swat on the bottom. He didn't mind. It was all part of the service.

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I have written about spanking on the Street before, here and here.

Another Spanko Chef?

It had been a long day, and they had reached the climax of one of the TV reality shows we watch regularly, but I was nodding off. Although I usually enjoy Top Chef and had struggled to keep my eyes open through 55 minutes of the program, I really didn't care who would be told to "pack your knives and leave". I was settling in, eyes closed, when I heard Ron say something about spanking.

"What? Where? Who?" I was suddenly wide awake.

"She does the spanking," he elaborated. I looked at the two judges of the competition. I seriously doubted that the lovely Padma Lakshmi (in the picture above) had threatened any of the chefs with a spanking. She wasn't Gordon Ramsay.

"What do you mean? What did she say?" I asked. But Ron was silent. Then I realized he had only said the "S" word to wake me up.

Isn't he clever!

A brazen blush on each pale cheek

Ron and I were watching a favourite television program the other evening when we heard the star say:

"A brazen blush on each pale cheek."

My ears pricked up and I blushed too. Ron repeated the line with a grumble about the language being a little too over the top. Then he turned to me with a suggestive grin and said, "I suppose you can relate to that."

He had picked up on the spanking innuendo after all. I laughed, "Of course. I'm going to write that down," and I reached for pen and paper before I forgot the exact words. "That will be the subject of my next post."

"So that one went right by you," Ron gloated. I didn't say anything.

No, of course it hadn't. But sometimes I think he gets irritated with my "all spanking, all the time" view of life, so I had kept silent. But it looks like my husband is starting to see things from a spanko's perspective, and that's fine with me.

Oh, right, you probably want to know more about the pale cheeks and their brazen blush.

We were watching one of the lovely Nigella Lawson's cooking shows.




















You can probably see why it's one of Ron's favourite programs, and not because of the recipes.

The dessert she was preparing was called Eton mess - a combination of whipped cream, crumbled meringues and macerated chopped strawberries (that was the pale cheek) topped with more strawberries (aka brazen blush).

Corrie Spanking

Coronation Street, the British show that is the longest running soap in television history, has a loyal following in Canada. CBC is never allowed to pre-empt it without making alternate viewing arrangements; it's that popular.

In the past few weeks, I have noticed several spanko references and thought you might enjoy them. Our episodes are 10 months behind the ones in Britain, so bear with me if these are ancient history to some of you.

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Sally, who never finished high school, wants to better herself, and enrols in an English Literature correspondence course. The books arrive, and as she excitedly reads the titles, husband Kevin asks, "Do they still use the cane?"

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Eileen, who has just been on a second date with Jerry the night before, walks into his shop.

Jerry:"You're late. I should put you over my knee."
Eileen: "Promises."

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Jack and Vera are having an early night to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. As they climb the stairs, Vera, who is behind Jack, swats him on the bum.

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Two cabbies are sitting in a taxi watching a client's house. The client has been dating their female dispatcher and they suspect he is married. The man in question finally arrives, goes to the door and opens it. A young woman is standing in the doorway.
Cabbie 1 "Maybe it's his sister."
She turns and walks into house. The man slaps her bottom and follows her in.
Cabbie 2 "They must be a close family."

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And then there are a number of nasty, irritating, or just plain spankable characters that need to be put over someone's knee, plus many references to other characters having nice bums.

Was it always so full of spanking references, or am I just noticing it more now? And if you are a Corrie fan, please leave a comment.