Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for January 15

Our discussion this week was all about helping a person whose spouse is not interested in administering spankings. Here is your advice:

Amber: I don't think we have enough information. Is an occasional play spanking what she needs or wants? How important is it?

It sounds like he has tried it for her and is not comfortable with it. Or was it he that started playfully spanking? In other words did she or he initiate it?

He may not "want" to discuss it, but this is a marriage and they NEED to be able to talk about things even if one of them does not want to. I would suggest that someplace well out of the bedroom, like the dining room table, and not just before or after a meal, and not near a time when they have something scheduled or something on tv, she turns off the phones, asks him to sit and talks.

Honey, you may not want to talk but this is too important to me. This is what I need.

But since we do not have enough information, what to say next is up to her.

a) this is a part of foreplay that really turns me on, hun. even try to explain how so he can see it is very erotic to her. Maybe make a deal of trying something he likes and him spanking her, make it alternate times for instance.

b) does she need more than this? does she need a role play punishment? if so, maybe print out enough discussions on the topic to show him just how common and "not weird" this is

or is this some other need or combination of needs? Whatever the case she has to sit with him in the aforementioned way and talk. The onus is on her.

Hobbes: Communication and love can usually solve this kind of problem; if there is plenty of both she can communicate and he will respond. What happened to stop the spanking as it existed before? The experience of most vanillas with a spanko is Pavlovian: they soon learn just how important spanking is to the spanko and enjoy the rewards the come from it so there is positive reinforcement and repetition. Fetlife, one of the largest online sites lists spanking as its third most popular activity behind only bondage and oral sex, a total of over a half million members claiming it. So I would advise continued communication, slowly and clearly, starting small and building from there. Again, IF there is good communication and love between two people this can be fixed. But you do have to make the communication effort and be honest. I have been married to a vanilla for over forty years and the spanking is nothing less than excellent.

Baxter: I agree with Hobbes in that communication in a marriage is very important. Something has happened in the relationship that has caused this situation. The writer needs to remember back over time to determine what it might be. Could be internal, as within the marriage. Could be external, as at work or relatives or who knows. Introspection and research might reveal. Failing that, ask a question and see where it leads.

Enzo: I am with Amber on this, not enough background information to understand what is going on and how the relationship was prior to this. Unfortunately, I don't have enough yo go on without random guessing, I am stumped.

Ronnie: Without having more information I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to suggest. Sorry.

Hermione: I agree that communication is the key. Bringing up the subject might be difficult, but what do you have to lose. If you really do get a complete rejection and total unwillingness to spank, then the options are to do without, or to go elsewhere for satisfaction. Most advice columnists would suggest therapy or counselling, but that depends on how comfortable you would be discussing this with a therapist.

Midwest Reader, if you would care to elaborate on your situation, either as a comment here or by email to me, perhaps we can provide more help.