Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for December 12

Let me extend my sincere condolences to the people of Kentucky, whose towns were devastated by an extraordinary tornado. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and all those in the southern US who were affected by this disaster.

Now on to this week's topic. Is it considered cheating if you visit a professional while in a relationship with someone?

Bonnie: I think the answer depends upon the nature of your relationship and the expectations that you have for one another. If you engage in spankings with someone else (amateur or professional), and you do so with your wife's knowledge and acceptance, then I wouldn't consider that cheating (though I would check back periodically to ensure that it's still all right).

Now consider your own feelings and values. If the situation were reversed and your wife wanted to meet with someone else for spankings, would you feel like that is cheating? If so, you may want to rethink your position.

Randy and I consider spanking to be another form of sex. So any spanking outside our marriage would be equivalent to cheating. But that's just what works for us.

Whatever course you select, I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you are sneaking, then you are cheating, even if there is no sex involved.

Dan: I agree with Bonnie. The key issue isn't whether he thinks it's cheating, or whether we think it's cheating -- it's whether his WIFE thinks it's cheating. There was a woman who was a regular poster on my blog whose husband visited a pro without her knowledge. She most definitely considered it cheating.

Wendel: For me it is cheating. Spanking a woman on her bare bottom is an intimate action. The guy is doing something intimate with another woman. I am sure his wife would think it is cheating as well. If he tells and she is ok with her husband touching another woman’s bare bottom then maybe she should just get into spanking. 

KDPierre: Rosa is definitely not vanilla and yet she still lets me play with others with her approval and the key is that she must be consulted beforehand. I think a secret like this is risky and sneaky, but the fact that it is being done begs a further question: if the spanking interest is strong enough in this person to take such a risk, why would it not have been strong enough for him to have pursued a partner/spouse who shared his interest in the first place?

Roz: Some good responses above, I agree with the various points raised and don't know what I can add, except to say spanking is a very intimate act and unless the partner is on board and has knowledge I don't think it's on.

Doug: Given the inherent intimacy of adult spanking, it should be restricted to spousal spankings, F/M or M/F. And I would add, "done privately." 

Mark: It is an interesting dilemma. This is obviously very important to him and unacceptable to his wife. Rock versus Hard Place. Seems to me that he either "cheats" or the marriage is over? If neither then he will resent his wife for the rest of his life.

Rich Person: I agree with others that spanking is a very intimate activity. So, it should be treated like sex. That means he needs to be honest with his wife that he wants to pursue this with other women, given that she is unwilling. If she doesn't want to accept those terms, then he should seek a divorce.

My expectation is that in a monogamous marriage each partner will fulfill the other's sexual needs, either directly or indirectly. It's up to her to either participate in spankings, allow him to go outside their relationship for them, or get divorced. It would be extremely cruel on her part to deny him that part of his sexuality. If you want exclusivity, then you should be willing to provide everything your partner needs in the relationship.

Prefectdt: This is a surprisingly big question and I don't think that broad sweeping statements can answer this. It depends a lot on the relationship dynamic that this guy has with his wife. Otherwise, it is a lot like asking "How long is a piece of string?" Impossible to give an accurate answer, unless you are familiar with that particular piece of string.

Personally, I do not see paying a professional for a spanking is any different from visiting a professional masseuse for a massage. But I am submissive and am not giving the spanking. I have never heard of anyone paying to give a non-sexual massage. So the comparison is not applicable.

Without knowing the couple personally, I do not feel informed enough to give a definitive answer.

Jack: My question is, have both of you sat down and talked about this? There are pros and cons to bring out. It is also why do you wish to be spanked, and why the spanking, foreplay, punishment. I will say as a single person I went to a professional, this woman understood and confirmed I needed to find such a woman. 

Rosco: If you’re not telling your wife, it’s definitely cheating. I couldn’t imagine keeping such a secret, even if I tried.

My suggestion is to talk openly with the vanilla wife, ask her to try a few small things and do things (sexual or otherwise) for in return.

If she’s vanilla, I wonder if he’s licking her pussy. That’s sometime she might more readily learn to enjoy.

Barrel: I agree with the concept it is cheating. But I can’t understand why communication, communication, communication can’t find some common ground, even if it is professional counseling. At least find a starting point from which to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. And I might encourage the wife to join our brunches and see the safe, common sense camaraderie we share on a weekly basis. It has certainly helped me accept my submissiveness and sharing that I like to be thrashed regularly. 

KDPierre: After reading more comments I am reminded of the clever poem by John Godfrey Saxe, "The Blind Men and the Elephant". And it seems to me that given the size of an elephant most would likely hit the animal's "broad and sturdy side" just like most people, for whom spanking is sexual all of the time, see it from only that perspective. In the poem it is important to remember that not only is the elephant composed of many parts, but more crucially that no one part alone describes an elephant. The same is true for spanking. 

A.J.: I love the topic. Actually thinking along, but not exactly, these lines a few days ago.

I'm with Bonnie. If she doesn't know it is cheating. She has to know. And agree.

The group may remember my telling the story of a guy (spanko) whose wife (really non-spanko) visibly reacted negatively. He would drop the merest of HINTS - and from her comments and reaction he knew not to go there again.

So a couple times a year he went to a pro. And the wife found out! And thought the worst. And it almost ended their marriage. In the end it didn't and she came to understand what he wanted and life became good again.

Sometime later he was diagnosed with leukemia; 18-24 months later he was dead. And the wife was left with remorse, pouring on the guilt, and blaming herself for not doing something so simple.

Courandaire: Due to particular health problem, sex is not possible anymore between us, and it could still go on for some years. So she told me many times I could have sex with other women if needed. Well...That's what she says.

But I'm a spanko to the core, She knows it. I love her deeply and she's (probably) the best no-nonsense spanker of the world. So, I’m in for almost every morning, because she loves me too. Spanking each other every day was already an act of love, an important link deeply rooted with desire. I can wait for sex. Spanking make up for my libido, it calms me down, and my love for this Loveduck is still growing, after all these years.

If I was searching for another woman JUST to spank me, with or without sex, it would be cheating. No doubt!

Hermione: If the wife is told about the visits and she agrees, then it isn't cheating. But if secrets are kept, then one or both partner might feel they are cheated or being cheated on.

Thanks for the lively discussion. I hope the original author of the question has gained some insight. it would be great if he commented on it here.