Monday, December 6, 2021

Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for December 5

How do you simulate non-consensual spanking?

Dan: For me, it's important that, even if the spanking part of our relationship is consensual, it feels like it's not to the extent possible. For us, it takes the form of what some call "consensual non-consent," which to me means I have consented to the overall spanking element in the relationship, but I will accept a spanking whenever she decides one should be given, whether I "want" that spanking or not. I put "want" in quotes, because I find that my desire for spanking is there whenever there is no reason to think I am in for one anytime soon, then drops precipitously the moment I know one actually is coming. 

Mark: I am spanked when I ask Hermione, and very occasionally when I haven't asked. I really would prefer to never have to ask and yet be spanked regularly. So I guess that we haven't worked it out.

Barrel: For us, it is always consensual, however the intensity, duration and lecturing is non-consensual when I have made a bad mistake. I know I deserve it. When that happens, I willing consent, but know the beating will certainly exceed the regular pre-intimacy routine. And afterwards, I am remorseful and glad to have received it.

But I like and can relate to where Mark is.

Bonnie: I grant Randy blanket consent to spank me as hard and as often as he deems appropriate. Beyond that, no specific consent is required. He may occasionally request a confirmation of my consent if he is about to do something new or different. I may grumble, but I almost always agree.

With that said, my favorite spanko fantasy involves ritualized traditional corporal punishment spankings. This scenario implies non-consent and in my mind at that moment, it might feel that way. But we know better. 

Roz: Rick has blanket consent to spank me as he deems appropriate. Therefore he determines when and where whether and it happens, whether I want to be spanked at the time or not. Maybe non-consent in the moment? Having said that though, if for any reason I really don't want to be spanked, or can't cope with a spanking at that time he won't go ahead, or will stop if already started.

Morningstar: I gave my consent 10 years ago, and again 5 years ago when Sir Steve and I reunited. It's always up to him - when and where - though recently there hasn't been a whole lot of serious spanking.

I wouldn't want to have to consent each time - not when I'm in a committed relationship. Kinda takes the fun and spontaneity out of it, and I do LOVE spontaneity! 

KDPierre: I absolutely LOVE how you worded the question! Like REALLY love it. LOL. But I won't elaborate on why because it will just piss everyone off. Instead I'll just contribute my own answer....which is: I need clarity to proceed with anything (if it's play I want to know that going in. If it's serious I want to know why and be on board with that as well) and Rosa respects that. As such everything we do, even the most serious of punishments for real life offenses are all consensual and we don't pretend otherwise. I've written about this aspect extensively over the years, on my blog and elsewhere. 

Rosco deserves most of the credit for the wording of the topic. I merely elaborated on it.

Wendel: There is always consent. I spank the Misses when I want and when I think she needs it. The Misses does the same to me. 

Rosco: How exciting that you’ve chosen a question I suggested. I’m honored.

I asked to be spanked a couple of times 40 years ago. I’ve been spanked regularly ever since. If I want a spanking to be longer or harder, I’ll complain and whine that it hurts too much, it’s not fair and tell Irene she needs to stop (basically our code). If she tells me it’s time for a spanking and I’m not up for it, I’ll ask if we can do it later - and we do,

A few times, I’ve written a letter to Irene, ostensibly from another woman, about some inappropriate behavior of mine for which I should be punished - usually trying to peek up a skirt or something like that.

Prefectdt: Simple answer, use an agreed safe word, if it all getting too much. My safeword is, boringly, "safeword" but I have learned to say it in several languages. This is always there if I am playing with someone who likes to role-play, rather than just spank. On the other side of the coin, if I am finding things a bit lightweight, I tend to pre-negotiate that if I thank the spanker concerned for going easy on me, that is an invitation to bring it on a bit harder. Using these two methods, I can communicate with the spanker without interrupting the role-play.

Fondles: BIKSS spanks when he wants, but that's also always what I want. So it's seldom an issue for us, especially since our spankings are done with resets (or reconnection) and fun in mind.

Having said that, if he's in the market for or thinks I need a reset spanking specifically, then that's when I might object (and have done so in the past). In these cases there is usually something else going on with me emotionally and as such I'm not in the right frame of mind.

We usually come back to it later on, instead of bashing ahead anyway.

Sometimes when I'm feeling distant or we haven't seen each other in a bit, I know my default reaction will be to stay "far away" and withdrawn (so I'll want to object), but at the same time I want to be drawn back in (and I know a spanking session will do just that). The way I get around that is for him to spank lying beside me, so the lengths of our bodies are lined up and I can snuggle into him while he spanks. 

Ronnie: P has blanket consent to spank me when and where he wants and has no need to ask for consent every time he wants to spank me.

Doug: Since I welcome the spankings my wife gives me, consent is not a issue that concerns either of us. 

Hermione: Like Barrel, it is always consensual for us, but the intensity, duration and aftercare are always up to Ron. I relinquish all control. But like Bonnie, my preferred fantasy is one of punishment for some transgression, and that's where I go in my head.

Alan: This is a key question for spankos. I agree strongly with Dan’s comment especially with respect to the “consensual non-consent” aspect of disciplinary spanking as opposed to erotic spanking or “funishment”. This may be the major difference between folks whose spanking orientation is mainly erotic and those pursuing authentic domestic discipline devoid of any or much role play. Consensual non- consent is hard to understand by many and that’s not surprising since it is a rather blatant oxymoron. But Dan explains it well. The consent is given beforehand in part because the spankee needs and desires the disciplinarian to take charge. When a real spanking is imminent that need and desire momentarily disappear as a fantasy becomes scary real life. But it usually returns immediately AFTER the spanking is over underscoring the real consent that pervades the discipline. Another way to explain this is that over more than 20 years my wife has spanked me for discipline. I have had a “safe word” from the beginning and despite the fact I did protest or talk my way out of many spankings when they were imminent – I never used my safe word.

Thank you all for making this brunch so entertaining. I have many more questions, and next week it just might be yours!

From Hermione's Heart

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