From the Top Shelf - Pride and Promiscuity II

Today I have a second selection from Pride and Promiscuity - the Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen, by Arielle Eckstut. It is taken from Pride And Prejudice, and concerns two of the minor characters: Elizabeth's friend Charlotte, and her pompous husband, Mr. Collins, who is a slave to his patron, Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

In this deleted scene, Lady Catherine has left a parcel for Charlotte, containing a discarded dress fifteen years out of date. Charlotte puts the dress on over her clothing and pretends to be Lady Catherine, mimicking her voice and mannerisms.

Charlotte smiled complacently and moved — as if in response to the real Lady Catherine — to snap up the paper and string used to tie up the parcel. On doing so, she was surprised to find another object still inside the packaging. Charlotte reached her hand in and pulled out a riding crop. It was old and bruised, and bits of leather had worn loose from excessive use.

Charlotte examined the crop and slapped her leg with it, only to let out a little cry on realizing how effective it remained. Her liveliness increased with her new discovery and Charlotte continued her mime...

"Mr. Collins, I am in the drawing room," she scolded, in imitation of Lady Catherine.

Mr. Collins entered the drawing-room near breathless, explaining—"Lady Catherine, my most earnest apologies, I do not know how it is possible, but I did not hear—" He stopt suddenly as his eye beheld, not Lady Catherine, but his own lady standing in a manner most entirely unknown to him and yet wholly familiar; for the first time in his life, Mr. Collins was unable to speak... "I have been very remiss."

"That is putting it mildly, Mr. Collins. I am only an occasional advocate of severe punishment, yet I believe one must learn that there are consequences to one's actions... Mr. Collins, I always speak my mind and I will not hesitate now. One such as you must learn from your mistakes the hard way. Position yourself, at one, on your hands and knees. Any hesitation will most certainly result in a most painful consequence... Are you prepared to suffer for your stupidity and inadequacy as a husband, cleric, and Englishman?" Charlotte asked with indignation.

Mr. Collins whimpered a quiet assent...attempted a response, but was stopped by the crack of the whip against his backside. For a few solitary moments, as the sensation of burning and stinging was most felt, silence ensued. Each party entered their own private rhapsody, never to be matched with such intensity again. Each felt their power or powerlessness (as appropriate) rise to unaccountable heights. And each felt a resulting quiver and a warmth so penetrating that their breath raced in unison.

"I have been very, very bad! May I please have another!" poured from his lips... With each request for further punishment, Charlotte bore down all the more mercilessly upon his flesh until both came to a sort of climax neither had ever observed in the other, and quite possibly had never experienced unto themselves.

 In case you haven't already figured it out, this is a spoof. There are no newly-discovered manuscripts of Jane Austen's deleted sex scenes. Pride and Promiscuity was published on April 1 as a very clever hoax.