Recently I was reading an article in the paper, and a quote struck a chord with me. The person being interviewed said that the way she presented herself to the world was false and, "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me at all."
The 'me' who writes here and enjoys reading blogs and talking to other people interested in spanking is very different from the 'me' that most people see. I like the 'me' that's out here in blogdom. I don't care as much for my other self. You probably wouldn't either. What you see here is the real me, honest and open about a very important part of my life.
Sometimes I get a bit confused between the two me's, and for seconds or even minutes at a time I'm not sure who I am. Maintaining two separate identities was a bit unnerving when I first started this blog. It's becoming clearer now. The two selves aren't as disparate as they once were, and the good things about the self you see here are starting to seep into that other self you can't see. The more I write, the more comfortable I feel about this 'me'.
Bonnie's recent post generated a lot of interesting comments. She said in her reply, "I think it would be refreshing to just be me all the time." Imagine it. What a luxury. The other comments that various readers left made me realize that we are all at different stages of 'outness'.
Some of us are totally out: we use our real names and are completely open and honest to everyone about the lifestyle. Others of us use various combinations of pseudonyms and disguised details, and keep our secrets within the family, limiting our revelations to only our partners and maybe some close friends. Still others of us cannot even bring ourselves to tell our partners the basics: that we read or write spanking blogs, or that we need to spank or be spanked.
Yes, it would be nice to be just one me, all the time.
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19 comments:
Hermione, I can certainly relate to this. I love being PK I am nearly alwasy her in my head these days. I can tell when she starts to slip away. When heavy family duties take my time. It a real feeling of loss for me when I can't feel her.
The biggest change all this has brought out in me is now 95% of the time I think of myself as Nick's partner, lover, wife - our relationship is the core of my life and my thoughts. Before I was a daughter, a teacher, a mother, a neighbor all titles I love but not my idenity! Yep, I like being PK!
Hugs
This is an interesting post. I started writing erotic fiction as River almost a year ago. My Husband would jokingly call me by that name when I was acting up or being sassy. Sometimes he still does. I can't say that I am much different from the way that I sound in my blog. When I meet people, I am genuine, if slightly censored. But I think that's normal. If someone had herpes or was a pot smoker, or some other thing that was not 'normal' (like a love of spanking)for society, I doubt it would be shared with any but the closest friends and family. Despite my blog title, I do not actually have multiplt personalities. At the time of creating the blog, I was trying to accept and understand all the different facets of myself. I must say that I feel more together and not so branched out within my head after these few months of blogging. I think it is important to be honest with yourself and those around you, as much as possible. I know I can't enjoy myself as much if I have to put on a front. I hope you get to be Hermione full time some day!
Blessings,
River
"I like the 'me' that's out here in blogdom."
Hermione, I and all your other readers like the "you" out here in blogdom very very much. So sad for those others in your daily life who don't get to enjoy this fun, blithe, sexy, intelligent and caring Hermione. But you do make an accuarte point about us all having "masks" we don for different situations and different people. Like it says in the old Billy Joel song "The Stranger" some of these faces are silk and some are leather.
Michael
After honest evaluation, I have arrived at the conclusion that there are three of "me". The "me" that I think I am, the "me" that others think I am, and the "me" that I actually am. How's that for confusion?
Hermione, I so understand, when Mel was alive I sometimes felt like a bad actor
In her professional life Mel was a very dominant woman, I was called a dominant man and that indeed is what I am.
People would ask how we could live together in such harmony.
Oh we manage to rub along, nobody knew what we were like at home.
The thought that Mel was totally submissive to me only her parents knew and I believe my niece.
Online I can be who I am, in the vanilla world I still need to protect Mel's reputation.
I don't like it but unfortunately it's necessary.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
I agree with you.I think i can be more open online then in real life. Most people have no idea what we do. But i think the 3 me's that span king describes is probably the way most of us are.
Hermione:
First, I agree with River as to why I started my blog. It was in essence to find out more about myself. Writing thoughts, so deeply hidden, for so very long, was as is very liberating. It helped me be comfortable with being me. People's reactions allowed me to know that I was not alone with these thoughts.
Life dictates I show people only the side of me that I care to show, so that family, career, and sporting activities can not be compromised.
The internet allows me to connect, anonymously, with many kindred souls, and to reach out to meet some, whenever we dare.
Your blog is allowing you to explain yourself to yourself. It is a wonderful experience. I look forward to your future posts.
Mike
Still waiting to hear about that new spanking toy...
I understand where you're coming from, Hermione. I feel the same way fairly often, and I find myself wishing I could be the same me all the time.
(One thing I loved about the FLOG party we attended: I could be ME in person, and not have to worry about it. ^_^ )
I've found myself becoming more and more out -- but in baby steps. When I started my blog four years ago, I was adamantly Natty. Slowly I started throwing "Michelle" in there. I linked to my non-kink blog. Soon I was outing myself to various people -- my sister, my godfather, my massage therapist/acupuncturist.
And yes, the freedom of being out there is great. But I find myself wanting more and more.
Maybe someday.
Hermione--
I believe it was actress Helen Hunt who used to say the same thing to fans. When they would tell her how terrific she was, or how much they liked her, she would smile and reply, "That's because you don't know me."
Dr. Ken
Hermoine,
Coming out with a subject that is not obvious to the casual observer is a lifetime challenge. For example if your skin is another color you have no option to keep it a secret, but a lifestyle that is always an ongoing decision with whom ever you meet. You will always ask yourself "Can I trust this person to not react negatively and will they keep my secret?" Yes it is freeing but it is also a constant decision.
Sorry that is probably not very helpful, but it is from my experience a fact of life.
cj
I love your blog and the fact that you are so open and trusting. You make me think and I love that!
PK - I think we were hatched from the same double-yolk egg! I also see myself, now, mainly as Ron's wife. Our relationship is way more important now than ever before.
River - Good for you for being honest and being yourself.
Michael - That's sweet. It would be fun to open up more, but I am a very private person in public.
Span King - You've made me think!
Paul - Your lives must have had people wondering. But you can always be yourself with us.
mthc - Yes, I can think of a third me now.
Mike - We're very much on the same page here as to why we blog.
About the nagging, um, is that allowed? :-)
dragonmage - That's one of the good things about parties. MAybe someday!
Natty - Wow, good for you.
Dr. Ken - That's what actresses do. They are everyone but themselves.
CJ - Thank you for the kind words. It's a pleasure to be able to be so open here.
Hugs,
Hermione
Coming to the post later than the others, but I think it's one of great insight and awareness.
And, for me, at the end of the day, I remember what a friend tells me all the time: It is what it is.
Always enjoy your writing, Hermione!
Hermione,
Thanks for an excellent post and some great discussion. I think neither my blogging face nor my real world face provides an accurate view. Both places, I feel as though I am hiding major portions of my being. Sometimes, I long for unity and completeness.
Perhaps that can never be, but I'm not ready to give up the dream.
Hugs,
Bonnie
G - Thank you. the post was something I put together very quickly because it was something I just had to say, and I wasn't even sure I was being coherent.
Bonnie - I can relate to that. No matter which mask we choose to wear, there is still something hidden.
Hugs,
Hermione
Being me is quite difficult sometimes, because he's not me. He's a cropped version with an important bit left out, the bit that's Recidavist, which no one gets to see but K. So being R online makes being me easier because I don't feel R is being completely hidden away; and of course being R reminds me that I'm not the only one who does this, and as it is for so many others, that's hugely important!!!
R
This is a very thoughtful post. Thank-you...
excellent post on a very complex topic. I mean, sometimes I look at my blog and I'm thinking: is that me? or is me the one who goes to a 9-5 job and no one has the slightest about all this stuff....
I don't know who 'me' is sometimes...*sigh*
Dave
We really are all in the same boat, aren't we?
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