Sunday, August 2, 2020

Spanko Brunch 2.0 #342

Welcome, one and all, to our weekend discussion about all things spanking. This week's topic comes from our good friend Barrel.

How much control does the spankee in your relationship have? Is the spankee expected to ask to be spanked?  Does the spankee have any say in how hard or how long to be spanked?

Don't be shy! Please leave your response as a comment below. I will publish an edited summary of our conversation once everyone has had a chance to speak.

From Hermione's Heart


Anonymous said...

Well, for me, where we only spank for the fun of it, she has complete control when she is the spankee. When, how, duration, intensity, etc. are all hers. Violate that and it becomes assault.

And when the tables are turned....! I have the same rights.

This is why I have the problem with the word "Dom", because I think the real person in charge is the one OTK.


Barrel said...

I admit, I have quite a bit of control, up to a point. My wife encourages me to ask for a spanking when I know I want or need one. She likes it when I leave the hair brush or plastic paddle on her dresser, and she welcomingly responds. I do lead our more intense sessions, as they are cathartic for me. Again, another clear example that I lead many of my spankings.

However, recently she has spanked me when she felt it was earned, deserved or to her satisfaction. So, clearly not all spankee driven, but I have to admit, I control most of it.

Baxter said...

I am the spanko/spankee and do ask my wife to spank me wherever we are. However, my wife will suggest I need a spanking and I will either point to an implement or hand one to her and assume some sort of position.

Anonymous said...

Well, spanking is simply a big part of our sexual relationship. But Irene generally tells me I've been naughty or recalcitrant and I need a spanking. Usually it is as foreplay, but not always - sometimes she spanks me at bedtime, then orders me to roll over and go to asleep. Long ago, we agreed that she would never spank me if she was really annoyed for some reason, but might for little things.

I never ask for a spanking directly. It is more fun to pretend it is against my will. I did originally ask (in 1980!), but since then Irene can read various signals from me. More commonly, she will initiate it these days. Even though I was the one who brought spanking into our relationship, I think she enjoys it more than I. She confesses she really does like to make it hurt.

Still, it is all a game. If either of us changed our mind, we would move on. (We have changed a few other practices due to health reasons. Don't imagine this would happen with spanking, though.)



Xen said...

We do have a discipline dynamic, and I (spankee) do have a fair amount of say. We don’t really have a D/s relationship and frankly discipline is my kink rather than his (he’s definitely enjoyed adopting it though). So we’re not looking for a full on power exchange. I joke that it’s really just me outsourcing my motivation... we work on personal goals and health things and things that are important but hard for me to manage. In terms of what and how much I get... I have had a lot of input there as well because it’s taken us a long time to get to enough (and then we switched to some particularly brutal implements and it was suddenly too much Instead). So we generally talk it over and I let him know what’s working and what isn’t and we adjust as needed.

For fun spankings I genuinely don’t have much say, I enjoy having that control taken from me, and occasionally having the opportunity to resist. Lol.

There are times I need to ask for a spanking just because I know if I don’t get one I’m going to end up earning one in a far less pleasant way. Asking tends to be a little less satisfying though.

Anonymous said...

My spankings are strictly punishment, and I have no say whatsoever in what occurs. Not being able to sit for a week is the norm not the exception.

Roz said...

Lately spankings have been all for fun. I would say Rick is definitely in control. However, I can hint or ask for a spanking and provide feedback...too light, too hard, I'm done etc and he will adjust accordingly. Having said that though, he reads me so well I rarely provide feedback or have to ask.


Anonymous said...

Control, I showed this to my wife, she just laughed. When I earned a spanking, no matter where, I do as told and learned not to talk back. Always a bare bottom spanking, always a hairbrush and if at home a bath brush. Jack

Bonnie said...

That's a very good question. Randy can exercise almost complete control, except when he cannot. I willingly submit to his authority and accept my spankings, but I retain the ability to suspend my consent if the situation requires. This occurs very seldom, but if I am in serious pain (of an undesirable sort) or feeling sick or just not mentally into what we are doing, I can invoke my safeword or just ask him to stop. He always does.

I can and do make suggestions and Randy usually considers them, though some don't turn out as I had envisioned. Our relationship, both kinky and otherwise, is built upon give and take. We both have preferences and desires to be considered. We work together to enrich both of our lives.

Minielle Labraun said...

I believe my guy always listens to me and adjusts. Even if he says he decides when finished he ALWAYS hears me. That’s our relationship.

Anonymous said...

This is really the ultimate question in any spanking relationship. We are in a fully consensual DD and F/M relationship. From the beginning it was understood she would have authority that I could not question of challenge (we both had previous DD relationships) But at first I had a lot of control (or influence) over it by giving her materials to read, suggesting areas where I needed discipline, selecting spanking tools and coaching her in other ways about things that “worked” for me in establishing a disciplinary milieu. That influence gradually eroded as our relationship developed and her confidence increased. We both came to realize that spanking worked for us on many levels but it worked best if she controlled it exercising her authority “anytime, anyplace for any reason” as we have both agreed must be the standard. Couples evolve in spanking relationships and things may be altered in future. But this is where we have been for several years


Ultimately, the spankee has to have the control of the big red stop button, if by safe word or other agreement. That is the difference between consenting adult spanking and abuse.

Out side of that, I am not in a relationship and have never had a regular long term spanking partner and therefore do not feel qualified to fully answer this question (that is not a criticism, this is a good question and I am looking forward to seeing all the comments). I do often find myself involved in spankings where I have a lot of control and must top from the bottom. This is usually with spankers who have no or little experience, this is fine by me but I do look forward to those spankings where I can just do what I am told to do (and be sharp about it) during play.


willie said...

Sort of a complicated question really. We have a Ds dynamic that incorporates corporal punishment. It also incorporates reset spankings, and BDSM type activities ( to oversimplify it). If I am being punished I don't have control over the spanking, (though I sometimes try- fight or flight or both LOL ). If he feels I need to be reset I can inform him if things are not working or offer suggestions and they are generally heard (though really not ideal for either of us in those situations). If he is 'taking' for himself because he can in our relationship, then he does whatever he wants. Obviously I could stop it or ask him to stop but unless I have a valid reason, it doesn't serve a purpose in our dynamic to do so.

Can I ask for a spanking? I suppose I could. I think in the 8 plus years we have been living this life I have asked twice ( within the first 3 years). But my personal mindset is that it is far more effective if he initials things for my submission. Over the years he has asked me if I have needed a spanking from time to time, and left the decision up to me. I remember agreeing once. For me it is more about him initiating and me following that seems to be a key element to a successful spanking regardless the reason for it.


cutiebootie said...

Such a good question!

I feel that the spankee has full control. It's consensual between the spankee and spanker.

As a spankee, I'd be happy asking for a spanking. If it was getting too hard or odd, I'd speak up and my spanker would adjust accordingly or stop. It's all about trust, respect, and safety.

ronnie said...

P is in control. I can ask for a spanking or a particular implement and can make suggestions about spanking and P does listen.


Anonymous said...

While I like to feel that I've yielded control of my spanking to my wife, we both know that I ultimately have considerable control. The feeling of her "disciplining" me is wonderful, so we both enjoy the illusion. Indeed, we act like there is no such "illusion" but, in fact, there is. That's also true in the rare instance when she's getting spanked. I never give her more than a smidgen more than what she wants, and even that smidgen is not too severe. Graham