Monday, January 27, 2014

Recap: Spanko Brunch for January 26

This week's discussion was about finding another spanking partner if your significant other is simply not interested. These are your thoughts.

Bob B: As my blog expands and covers the more recent years I will cover this in some depth, but in short, yes. I went through a very long spanking drought and although initially my wife took the spankings it fizzled out after a few years. Although the spankings excite me sexually I only look at that side of things with my wife. So when I finally booked someone to spank I chose someone that does not offer sexual services with it, although there are girls a lot closer to me that offer that kind of service. I did not see it as cheating (being a bloke I probably wouldn't. I hear some of you say and you are probably right). When I finally sat down and explained the situation and the need things somehow fell back into place with my wife. Now she willingly excepts my fetish and enters into it and also my need to sometimes go a little heavier with a professional.

I have always loved my wife and I see myself as a very lucky man indeed.

EsMay: Because of the nature of spanking, and the intimacy and bonds that it creates, I would find that I would have a very hard time if the Duke ever decided to spank someone else. I do find that in a marriage, we have to step outside of ourselves at times, cross over those comfort zones, to try things for our spouse. It is sad that his wife will not even consider a trial, or a one-time deal to see if she is really as against it as she says. But I do feel it would not be right to find someone else to fulfill this part of himself either... but that is something he'd have to talk to his wife about. She may be cool with it... I would not be.

Dragon's Rose: At first, Dragon was totally against spanking. It took him a while to warm up to the idea. Yes, I have been flogged by a friend but not spanked. Dragon was deployed and I needed the release. I only did it with Dragon's approval.

Dan: I personally would see it as cheating. Even in the DD-oriented spanking relationship we are in, the sexual component is strong enough that I think it would be hard to characterize the spanking as completely non-erotic. Therefore, I have a hard time characterizing it as a non-sexual act that would not qualify as, in some sense, engaging in a sexual act with someone else.

Some of the other comments also raise an interesting issue regarding a spouse who is reluctant to participate in spanking. Whether a spouse should be willing to participate even if it's not (yet?) their thing seems to me to depend a lot on whether they are giving or receiving. It is one thing to ask someone to give you a spanking when you are the one who will be receiving the pain. It seems less reasonable to me to expect a partner who is not into spanking to receive one, since they are the one being subjected to the pain.

Roz: Spanking is such a intimate act between two people and creates and bond and connection. Therefore, I would have a hard time with it and if Rick was unwilling to try spanking, would not seek another spanker.

Catherine: I would not consider this at all outside of my marriage. There is more to this lifestyle than spanking regardless of what type you are giving or receiving. It is the building of a deeper, respectful, obedient and submissive loving relationship. It's not meant to be for kicks and grins, it is not a game. It is two lives working towards the same goals.

Fiona: I think spanking can be sexual and a kind of foreplay, and frequently is between Sir and me. However there are other spankings which are for endorphin release and more platonic and I think would not be considered as being unfaithful. I do think communication is crucial, though.

Minelle: For me I would not go outside of my marriage. My husband said he would never want someone else to spank me.

If a couple is okay with finding another person to satisfy that need, then that is okay for them.

 Measha: There was a time where my husband wasn't into the spanking thing. He liked the occasional spanking for foreplay but the DD and later D/s side of me was too much for him. I did think about going outside of our marriage to get this need met. He was against it, so I didn't. If I had gone outside of our marriage w/out his consent or knowledge, then I would have been cheating.

It's not the outsider that makes it cheating. It is the dishonesty and betrayal. I would have had an intimate relationship (sexless but still intimate) outside of our marriage without his consent or knowledge.

Thankfully, he now enjoys our relationship, thanks to some education and meeting people within the community. Spanking is not an issue with us now, but if he had never come around... I honestly don't know what would have happened.

Bonnie: That's a decision I hope I won't ever have to consider. Even if my husband was OK with the idea, I think it would be difficult for me to share my body with someone else. I'm not sure whether I could do that.

NiNa:  This is a difficult situation to be in, I think and it is sad that she does not at least give it a try.
If hubby did not want spanking, I would not go look for it outside our relationship. For me it would feel like being unfaithful because spanking includes a lot of intimacy and I only want to share that with hubby.

Ricky: Well, if you truly love her (as I'm sure you do), and she loves and trusts you, I wouldn't do anything to betray that trust and love.

Ronnie: Difficult one and I know it works for some couples. If P wasn't willing to spank I don't think I could go and seek another spanker even if he approved.

Bogey: Speaking for myself, I would not be married to someone who did not share my interest in spanking.

Attempting to speak for others, if either is jealous, it would damage/destroy the marriage.

morningstar: For very different reasons I did 'bottom' for someone. I never hid it because I firmly believe there are many components to cheating - and being dishonest is a big part of it.

I did not get the usual "thrill" from being spanked by someone else - which just went to prove (to me anyway) that there a) has to be some sort of emotional connection and b) that spanking is a very intimate practice.

I often feel like the lone voice in the wilderness in this sort of discussion because to me going behind your partner's back for anything is cheating. A rose by any other name is still a rose.

Prefectdt: Yes I would and have in the past.

And no, I do not regard this as having been unfaithful, as there was no sexual indiscretion or sexual intent in the play.

Keiter: Love & commitment are important, but so is the expression of those things (which is what spanking is to me). I was in a marriage where, at first, she loved being spanked and loved our sex life, but this diminished over time. After 20 years, she didn't want any of it. That was one of the many reasons I divorced her. During the last years of our dysfunctional marriage, I wrote short stories to channel those feelings. I don't consider this being unfaithful. I was never with another woman during my marriage. But now I'm free and enjoying life!
(This is my first time posting!)

Welcome, Keiter!

Sunnygirl: For us, it is an intimate thing so I don't think I would feel comfortable going outside of marriage.

Mike: My partner totally does not understand my wanting to be spanked. After much discussion she has committed to taking care of my needs, and has become quite adept at reddening my backside. We have a long term committed marriage, but I was tempted to go outside at one point. My commitment to her was too strong, and I am glad I persisted in keeping up the dialogue rather than taking the easy way out.

Welcome, Mike!

Quiet Sara: For me I would be very against my husband entering in to a spanking relationship with anyone else and I, in turn, would not want to be spanked by anyone else. I do believe that it is a risky venture because although the person looking to spank someone else outside the relationship may indeed only spank, and not sexually cheat with that person, it could easily lead to that.

Sir Wendel: If suddenly she lost interest in spanking I wouldn't seek out someone else. Spanking is only one reason why I love my wife.

Baxter: I would never consider seeking a spanking partner outside my marriage. While it did take a long time to get R interested in spanking me, it was worth it as she and I talk and text about it a lot. Like the other day, she bought $200 of stuff from a hobby shop. I texted her saying that she must give me 200 spanks because I told her to go ahead and get the stuff. She has been enthusiastically strapping me today on three occasions and she still has 120 spanks to go on me. I encourage her to spank me and she will tell me when and where to get into position. I may have a unique situation, but I took a no spanker and turned her into a spanker that enjoys watching my butt turn red.

Erica: I do, regularly, and have for years.

As many know, the man I love is kinked and fully spanking-tolerant, but it's not really his thing. He did it for me for a long time, which was wonderful of him, but I would rather play with someone who loves and craves it as much as I do.

It's not for everyone, but it's the absolute best for us.

Nena: I have thought about this many times over the years. My husband does spank me, but he only does so because he knows I want him to. He doesn't mind doing it, but it is not his thing and he doesn't quite get it. Thing is that to me it would feel like cheating to have somebody else spank me and I would feel really guilty about it, so it's not an option for me. Of course this is only how it feels for me in my marriage, if others are comfortable with it and their partner doesn't mind, I say, go for it :)

Welcome, Nena!

Hermione: Ron and I both consider spanking to be a sexual act, and even if they don't happen at the same time, sex and spanking are always connected. Luckily, neither of us needs to go elsewhere. If I were to seek out another spanking partner, Ron would certainly see this as being unfaithful, and so would I. It is not something I would consider lightly, if at all.

Thank you all for contributing your thoughts on this topic. Please join us again next weekend for another lively discussion.

From Hermione's Heart

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