All Better Now

My favourite implement of ass destruction is our dogging bat. In case you were wondering, it has nothing to do with dogs. It's a type of riding crop that originated with cowboys in the southwestern US, and "dogging" means chasing and catching steers while on horseback. The bats are now used in rodeo speed events.

Ours is made of two thicknesses of leather sewn together, except at the larger end, where the two separate pieces of leather slap together. While designed to make noise rather than to harm, it still packs a good wallop. To stiffen it, there is a slender, flexible rod hidden inside the entire length of the bat. Sometimes after a vigorous application, the rod works its way up through the opening at the top (indicated by the yellow arrow in the picture above.) Then Ron has to push it back down inside.

Ron finally got tired of adjusting the bat before or after every use, so he took it away to his workshop and did some repair work with glue.  It was missing from the wall rack for a few days, then reappeared.

"We need to test my repair work," Ron explained, and began to paddle my bottom with it.

"So far, so good," he declared, after a few moderately hard swats.

"Maybe you'd better go easy with it, just in case it breaks again," I suggested.

"Not a chance." The swats became harder and came faster. That's so like him; always doing the opposite of what I suggest. I protested loudly, but it had no effect.

Twice he stopped completely to, I think, examine his weapon.

"Everything okay back there?"

"Everything's just fine," Ron reassured me, then got back to work. He became uncharacteristically creative, varying the speed, rhythm and intensity. I didn't know what to expect next and it unsettled me. 

"You're messing with my mind."

Ron paused a moment. "No, I don't think so.  It's not your mind I'm messing with," then continued his quality control testing of the repair job. Ha ha, very funny!

You will be glad to hear that when the assessment was completed, we both pronounced his handiwork satisfactory.