From the Top Shelf - Public Spanking

You may be familiar with a wonderful satirical online news site called The Onion. It looks and feels like a genuine news website, but once you read the articles, or even glance at the headlines, you'll realize they are bogus, but terribly clever.

This short excerpt is from an essay called "Aren't There Any Crimes Punishable By Public Spanking?"

Like most Americans, I was raised to believe two things: that I am a very, very bad boy, and that I must be properly punished for my transgressions. But in recent years, I've become deeply disillusioned with the American justice system. After an overview of federal sentencing guidelines and meticulous study of the Departments of Corrections of all 50 states, I have found that our nation's criminal courts routinely resort to fines, imprisonment and community service as restitution for wrongdoing—punishments I, for one, find less than satisfactory. Aren't there any crimes punishable by public spanking?

Take one recent case from my own neighborhood. Last fall, a city policeman observed a 1995 Mercury Sable station wagon moving at 35 mph in a school zone. This is not only speeding, but reckless endangerment. You might think that such dangerous driving would warrant a good, hard spanking on the part of the stern and neatly uniformed arresting officer, and so did I. But, no! Instead of the 10 to 15 crisp, flat-handed smacks to the bottom the offense would seem to call for, I was given a ticket for $50 and instructed to appear in traffic court. This is justice?

At my court appearance, things got even worse.

Read the rest here.