Monday, November 30, 2015

Recap: Spanko Brunch 2.0 for November 29

Our readers have some advice on how to encourage the spanker to give a harder, longer spanking.

Six of the best: My advice would be for the spankee to become more naughty. So the spanker has all the more reason to spank your knickers down bare bottom.

Baxter: I think the spanker needs a reason to spank.Yesterday I got my wife royally pissed off at me and I let things simmer down. After an hour or so, I sat on the couch next to her and told her I was sorry and suggested that I be punished. She agreed so we went to the lower back bedroom. I laid out the paddles and crop and handed her the thick wooden paddle. She eagerly spanked me with it. but the reality of a spanking is that it hurts. So as much as I wanted her to paddle hard, the reality is that I couldn't take much at one time. So she spanked me six times and I moved away and then moved back into position for another six and this went on for several repetitions. Eventually my bottom was sore and red. So the thing is that the spanker may want to continue, but can the spankee stand the pain? Good questions.

Nina: Hi Hermione, I think communicating that more is needed is good. The HoH could still decide against it, but maybe the reasons are taken into account. In addition, the spanker at least knows that the spankee would appreciate more.

Minelle: I am not sure on the answer for this one either. I guess for me it is communicating with your partner. But in the end they may need time and practice.

arched one: I agree with most; communication is very important. Maybe suggest to the HoH that during the spanking he wants it to stop hence the pleading but he requests she does not listen to his pleading and to spank him until she wants to stop. Baxter also had good advice stop the spanking for a bit then start over until the message gets thru.

Anon: Easy - to stop evasion, she should make sure when she bends over, that her better half has bound her securely in place, so that she is unable to move her bottom out of the line of fire. Likewise a good gag should silence any of her protests. However she must accept that she will be unable to bring an end to her spanking, until he so decides, and she might well end up with a much sorer bottom than she had bargained for!

This would only be appropriate if both partners agreed beforehand to use restraints and a gag.

Mutual DD Couple: Assuming the question relates to domestic discipline instead of play spanking:

In a domestic discipline relationship, there's a conflict between the long term desire to be subject to punishment spankings, and the short term desire to not get spanked. As others say, more communication is required. Make it known that you ultimately want to be spanked, even though you don't like being spanked at the time. Obviously any spanking must be given with your consent, but your husband can help by encouraging you to hold to your original resolve, rather than saying "well okay..." to excuses.

Sub hub: I think that this question is amazingly more common than any of us want to admit. It is on some level, an admission of some amount of failure (or lack of perfection is probably a better way to put it) when someone that is receiving a punishment spanking, is not tested near the upper edge of their limits. Or is it?

For me, there have been plenty of times that I felt I could take more paddling, more sting, more slaps of the paddle, even some bruising, possibly even some tears. But I didn't really know, because I wasn't taken there.

Like the email, when I protested and tried to evade, Mistress K. would give in, fearing that the pain I was receiving was no longer bearable, and of course she wanted me to feel the testing of her paddle, but did not want me to suffer. When we spoke about it. I mentioned to her that our relationship was about her leadership and dominance, and my submission. I reminded her that we had previously established limits for things, obvious or otherwise, and included in that discussion was the use of a safeword. I asked her to rely on my ability to prevent us both from going to a place neither of us should be, with the use of my safeword. As such, she would be free of the burden of having to decide (or even care) whether or not I was receiving the proper amount of punishment, and only have to be concerned with whether or not she was giving what SHE thought was the proper amount at that moment. Be that a nice, cure, warm pink/red bottom, or a blithering, sobbing husband with blisters and bruises.

Please, anyone that may be looking to this post and to these comments for advice, DO NOT consider one of the comments made here as an actual solution "... become more naughty." Integrity matters in every relationship and topping from the bottom lacks integrity. Just my opinion, I could be wrong!

Thank you Hermione, for doing these Spanko Brunches! Love them.

Usedtodo Spankedhortic: Not sure if this would work in another gender combination but it does during an F/m playtime. I compliment the spanker on their technique and thank them for being so lenient with me. It's like waving a piece of scarlet material in front of a male member of the bovine species.

Terri: Ok, I have two words for you: SAFE WORD. Ok, two more: PRE-SCENE COMMUNICATION. I'm backing sub hub in phx up to the absolute hilt, he's absolutely right. I'll expand on it a little, if I may.

Communication is absolutely key to this issue, and "be more naughty" may inspire more anger or more *desire to spank* (the pre-spanking urge to administer many stinging swats for whatever reason). What it won't do, is solve the issue of the spanker stopping when the spankee protests or pulls away, leaving the spankee unsatisfied. instead, you should lay out the ground rules, discuss the use of safe words/safe phrases, hard limits, etc and even decide on what kind of spanking is happening...BEFORE you begin the scene. After all, as spankee, you are theoretically or apparently giving up control to your spanker. But when push comes to shove, a single word from you can end the scene entirely--and don't be afraid to call the cops if your partner won't respect your safe word.

Of course, in any scenario, both parties should have safe words. Just in case your partner is truly uncomfortable with the level of play you're interested in, or needs a break themselves for some reason. The traffic lights system (discussed later) is a good idea for this.

The first thing to do is establish whether one or both parties appreciate an element of false lack of consent. It sounds like the emailer might be someone who does. To be more specific, is trying to get away, and protesting about how much it hurts or how much you don't want to be spanked, and having the spanker pay no attention, actually a turn-on?

The reason to establish this is the principle our scene holds most dear, the SSC principle. (Safe, Sane, Consensual) one of the biggest ways to keep this principle intact while exploring the marvellous world of kink is our friend the safe word. The safe word must be something that wouldn't be accidentally said in-scene--even if it's something you talk about or think of a lot the rest of your life. The thing about the safe word is this: unless it's used, no matter how much you wriggle, struggle or protest, the scene doesn't end.

Of course, a similar option is the traffic lights: Green for "go ahead". Amber/Yellow/Orange for "slow down", "take a break" or "we need to talk" and red for "stop right now." Again, unless you use those specific phrases, your partner may (and probably will), ignore your protests and wriggles. Either that, or (with your consent, naturally) they'll restrain you/gag you.

Naturally, the above is all for fun spankings. Some of the above may not be relevant to punishment spankings. Some people believe punishment spankings should push a person's limits - or even go "just a little bit beyond" a person's limits - under the guise of "showing who's in charge, of course. Sometimes, it's not just the spankee's limits that get tested in such punishment spankings--which is why I will reiterate the fact that safe words and plenty of communication for all parties are essential to any situation. Communicate, trust in your instincts as well as your partner's....and remember to trust in the presence of the safe word. And if you need it, for Merlin's sake USE IT! Yes, I'm a Potterite.)

Ronnie: Not a straightforward answer to this as we are all different. The spanker definitely needs a reason to spank. I say communication, communication every time. Tell your partner how you feel but I know easier said than done.

Amy: Communication is the key but is also very difficult. We are new to this and are learning over time. For me, fighting the spanking that I really want is part of the satisfaction once I finally get it, so we do have a safe word that I've never even come close to using. That said, Eric is more confident because I can use it. Also, we talk afterwards (maybe days later) and that has helped. One thing Eric has changed is when he's about done, he'll ask, "Do you think you've learned your lesson?" If I really want more, I'll just shake my head no and he'll get right back at it or he'll decide he thinks it's enough. At least this way, he has my input without me taking over. I also wrote him a couple of stories telling him some of my fantasies and desires. Do your best to keep talking to each other and know it's hard for your partner to know what is too far.

Hermione: I agree that communication is key to solving this problem, but as Ronnie said, it's easier said than done. Spanking can be a very difficult topic to discuss, even with someone close to you.

Thank you all for your input. I hope this will help my correspondent.
From Hermione's Heart

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