From the Top Shelf - So You Think That's Funny?

Today's selection was originally a photo story by the late Alex Birch. He used pictures from Scorpion magazine to tell the tale of a middle-class couple, Gina and Gary, in the garden on a Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately, the pictures were lost, so imagine this scene: Gina has been saddled with cleaning the windows while Gary is reading his porn magazine.

(Oh Gawd, it's boiling hot out here! Why did I agree to do this while he sits there reading his softporn mag? What does he see in that stuff when he's got me? I'm pissed off with doing this! My arms ache and I'm fed up.)

(Perhaps if I spread my legs and wiggle my arse a few times he will attend to ME instead of that stupid magazine!)

(Bloody men! He hasn't so much as raised an eyebrow!)

"Garrreeeeeeeee! I'm getting hot doing this and my arms ache. Come and give me a hand, pleeeeeeeeeeassse."

"Jeez, you're a moaning cow! Shurrup will ya and let me read me mag. We had a deal remember? I spent two hours servicing your car this morning and you promised to clean all the windows? Remember?"

"I knowwwwww, but I didn't think it would be this hot and...(whine, whine, moan, moan)..oh come on, Garreeeeeeeeeeeee!"

(Not so much as moved a muscle. Right! I know how to wake him up. Tee hee!)

"Oooops the sponge slipped out of my hand. Sorry Gary...ooo you're all soapy hahaha!"

"You silly cow! That's not funny! You've soaked my 'Nuts'!"

"Oooo - Do you think the water might bring them back to life or is that too much to ask?"

"Right, girlie, that does it! You've been trying to get my attention and now you have! "

"Heyyyyy Gary, I was only kidding around -what are you gonna do?"

"Just what you've been hoping I'd do! Now come here!"

"Gary stop it! I've got the windows to finish!"

"Ha! Funny how the windows suddenly become important now you're arse up over my lap. Well grit your teeth, Gina, you're gonna feel these!"

(Oh God I hope so! I've been dying for this!)

"Owwwwwwww Gary you pig! That hurts!"

(and don't I just love it!)

"Of course it hurts, ya daft mare..and you love every minute of it. You're such a little exhibitionist and you've got an arse that was made for spanking!"

(Damn him..he's right! But I'm not telling him !)

"I thought you said I was going to feel these! You'll have to do better than that!"

"Right, my girl, you really are asking for it! Time these came down!"

"Garreeeeeeeeee!! Donna and Kevin will be able to see from the bedroom next door. I'm showing everything!"

"Good! Serves you right! And anyway it might spice up their love life. She's a sour faced little tart. Might give Kevin some overdue ideas of his own!"

"Owwww it stings on my bare bum!"

"Owwwwwwww....ooooo you bastard..that one REALLY hurt!"

"Bastard am I? Well I WAS just going to let you off with a spanking but this calls for stronger stuff. Stand up!"

"Stand and face the window for a few minutes, girlie, while I decide what to do with you!"

"Oh Gareeeeee...I was only...(whine)

"Shut up or it will be worse"

"Right. Turn around and get that top off. I want you naked for this!"

"B-but we're in the garden, Gary. Kevin and Donna will see....."

"Don't 'ave me on, ya little tart. You love showing off that body of yours. Now get on with it!"

(Oh damn. He knows me too well. I do love it...and I'm getting so wet already!)

"And take that bloody smile off your face! You are such a little tart! You won't be grinning in a minute!"

(Oh I love it when he takes control! Oh God, it's the cane..and there's Kevin grinning out of the window...oh Christ! Why does this turn me on?)

"That's the way. Jeez, those nipples are hard already. You love it, don't you! Now get bent over that table!"

"AAAAAHHH Shit...Gary. That hurt! You hadn't warmed me up properly!"

"Stop complaining and brace yourself! I told you I'd wipe that smile off your face!"

"OWWWW How many are you gonna give me? My bum is sore already!"

"That's for me to know and you to find out! Now GET BENT OVER! I won't tell you again!"

"OWWWW shit that really f***ing hurt!"

"Right, Gina, that's it! Now I'm going to make you really embarrassed. I'm sick of that language! Get up and come back to the window!"

"Oh Gareeeeeeeeee I'm sorry. I won't do it again...(whine, whine)

"Too late for sorry. Get up and stand by me!"

"Right, my girl! Now turn and face the hedge and bend right down gripping the bucket!"

"B-but Garreeeeeeeeee....my bottom is facing Kevin's bedroom window!"

"Dead right it is...and he's going to get the show of a lifetime. Bend right over and spread those legs as wide as you can!"

"B-but Gareeeeeeeeee this is so humiliating!"

(But oh Jesus what a turn-on! Kevin is overweight as it is. He'll have a coronary after this!)

"DO IT!"

"Oh my God, Gary, you've never done this to me before. It-it's awful!"

"If it's so bloody awful, girlie, then why is that pussy of your so wet, eh? Can't hide anything in THAT position!"

(I've never been so humiliated..and I love it! I must be sick or something)

"Please, Gary, this is so embarrassing!. I can see Kevin's face, upside down between my legs. He's gone a funny purple colour! It'll be your fault if he kicks the bucket!"

"You just concentrate on YOUR bloody bucket and don't let go or it will be the worse for you!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh that really hurts, Gary!"

"Oh there's a few more to come yet, girlie!"

"Oh Christ, that one really stung. Please no more. My bottom stings like bees have been at it for an hour!"

"OK that will do...despite that last bit of swearing. Now how do you feel?"

"Oooo Gary, I feel kind of hot everywhere and I need something else now, lover, something only you can provide!" (Muttered huskily)

"You think you can get round me so easily, you little minx. OK I think you deserve something else now and I'm going to do it out here, right now!"

"Oh Gareeeee, with Kevin watching out of the window? You wouldn't!!!" (panting in sexual expectation)

"Oh yes I would. Now close your eyes. I'm going to come behind you!"

(Oh God, this will be fantastic!)

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH....oooooooooo you rotten bastard....oh bloody hell!"

"Right I said I'd give you something you deserved. That should have cooled you off! Now for Christ's sake, finish the bloody windows and leave me in peace to read me mag!"

That was quite a show for the neighbours! It will give Kevin something to think about.