Spanked by Man's Best Friend

This dog's obviously into spanking. He even manages to find the bottom once in a while.



It's not too late to Complete the Caption!

Family Style

This year there are several reality shows on television that make use of hidden cameras to find out what goes on when the owner isn't around to see for himself. My favourite is called "Restaurant Stakeout". The star of the show takes a no-nonsense approach in dealing with lazy, slovenly and unmotivated workers.

My mind began to wander as I imagined the possibilities, and I came up with this fictitious script for an episode of a similar program.

Restaurant Snoops

The stakout - Mama Bellini's family-style Italian restaurant serves great food just the way mama used to make it. The recipes were all developed by Joe Bellini's mother, after whom the restaurant was named.

The problem - online reviews give the food five stars, but there are numerous complaints about the service. Joe is losing money as customers stay away. Joe calls upon famous restauranteur and professional snoop, Billy Deakin, to help him determine why his once-popular restaurant is failing.

Billy and his crew arrive at the restaurant after closing and set up cameras in every possible location, then install monitors in an unused office next door. The next afternoon Joe arrives and is impressed with the ability to watch what happens when he's not around. He and Billy watch the evening service.

Camera 2 - the kitchen
The sous chefs are cooking. The head chef is washing pots.

Billy: "Who's that, doin' the washin'?"
Joe: "That's Gus, the head chef."
Billy: "Your head chef is washin' dishes? Who's the dishwasher?
Joe: That's Anthony. I don't see him."

Camera 5 - the servers' station
Anthony is flirting with the female servers, joking and having a fine time. When the head chef comes out and orders him back to the kitchen, he is disrespectful.

Billy: "That Anthony, he's got no respect. He ain't doin' the job he's paid to do."
Joe: "I fired him once, but I gave him another chance. He's like family."
Billy: "Yeah, that's what every failing restaurant owner tells me. 'I treat my staff like family.' Then they go out of business."

Camera 4 - the bar
Maria is on her cell phone while customers wait for their drinks.
Billy: "Why is she on the phone? Do you allow your bartender to talk on the phone while she's workin'?"
Joe: "I told her to leave her phone in her locker. That's the rule."
Billy: "So she's breakin' the rule and there are no consequences. No wonder your customers ain't comin' back."

Camera 7 - the floor
Clarissa, a new server, doesn't know what dishes are served "family style", leaving the customers at the table confused.

Billy: "Look at her, she don't know the menu. You say your staff is like family, but you don't train your staff. What's up with that?"
Joe: "I guess I was a little lenient with her because she's just starting out."
Billy: "If she was my employee I would be strict, not lenient."

After service, Joe calls an impromptu staff meeting.

Joe: "I called you all together because there are a few things we need to change..."
Billy walks in unannounced. "I'll take over from here, Joe. I'm Billy Deakin, world-famous restauranteur, and Joe here called me in because he's been losin' money. From what I saw of the service tonight, and the bad attitude of some of yous, there's gonna be some big changes. There will be rules, and consequences for not following those rules. I'm gonna meet wit' each of yous tomorrow and show you exactly how that's gonna work."

The next day, Billy sets about showing Joe exactly what "family-style" means. They are in the empty restaurant. Joe notices that Billy has brought a large wooden paddle from the kitchen with him. It's the one the chefs use for stirring the big pot of tomato sauce.

First up is Anthony.

Billy: "Anthony, last night I saw you jokin' around instead of washin' dishes like you're supposed to be doin'."
Anthony: "Yeah, so what, I would'a done 'em later."
Billy: "So from now on, your job is to wash everything that the chefs put in the sink, right away, and don't leave the kitchen until your shift is over.
Anthony: "Hey, man, that's not fair."
Billy: "It doesn't have to be fair. Them's the new rules, and if you don't follow 'em, there's consequences."
Anthony: Oh, yeah, what 'consequences'?"
Billy: I'll show you. Joe, are you watchin'? I'm gonna show you how to follow up when employees don't obey the rules. Anthony, turn around and bend over the table."

Anthony is nonplussed. He hesitates for a moment, but Billy outweighs him by at least a hundred pounds and has a mean look in his eye, so he complies. Billy picks up the wooden paddle and quickly applies six sharp, stinging blows to Anthony's well-padded posterior.

Anthony: Hey, that hurts!"
Billy: "It's supposed to. Now get up and look at me. Six for a first offense, six more for each additional offense. Joe here will be askin' Gus about your performance and he'll be keepin' track. Understood?"
Anthony (rubbing his bottom): "Understood."
Billy: "Now get outta here." Anthony leaves quickly.

Billy: "Joe, you get the idea?"
Joe: "Um, you mean I gotta spank them when they don't do their jobs?"
Billy: "Exactly! This is a family-style place, you gotta step up, be the father and do your job."

Next up for an interview is Clarissa.

Billy: "Clarissa, you been here six months and you still don't know the menu."
Clarissa: "No, but I can read it or ask one of the other girls."
Billy: "Not good enough. You go home and study the menu. Tonight, Joe is gonna test you on your knowledge. If you don't know the menu, he's gonna give you some family-style discipline."

Billy points to the wooden paddle, then looks at Joe. Joe flushes, looks at Billy who nods encouragingly, then looks at Clarissa and frowns. Clarissa gasps, then runs out.

Maria comes in, sees the wooden paddle, and her eyes widen.

Billy: You'll leave your cellphone in your locker or else Joe will be givin' you some family-style discipline.
Joe has caught on to the idea now, and smiles briefly, then puts on a stern face and picks up the  paddle.
Maria: "You mean you'll paddle me if I use my phone when I'm at the bar?"
Joe: "I'm afraid so. There's going to be some discipline here from now on. Now go put your phone away. This is your final warning."
Maria: "Yes, sir!" She scampers out.

Six weeks later, Billy returns for a followup.

Billy: "So the last time I was here, there was no structure, there were no rules and no consequences for breakin' those rules. Let's see how Joe has done. Hey, Joe, how's it goin'?"
Joe: "Things are great, BIlly. Anthony learned his lesson and he hasn't stepped out of line once. Clarissa knows the menu inside out. The only person I'm a bit puzzled about is Maria. She seems to be using her cell phone even more now, and I don't know what I'm gonna do with her. Last week I had to paddle her three times. Sometimes it's tough to be the owner but it's something I gotta do."

Billy looks over at Maria, who is standing behind the bar with her cell phone in her hand. She winks at Billy.

Billy: "There you have it, America. We knocked that one outta the park."

Tight Pants

Here's some fun from my friends at Just For Laughs Gags. A curvy bottom gets some attention from strangers on the street (including a pat or two.)



The last guy deserves a spanking or ruining her jeans, don't you think?

Download this amazing app

First there was the iPod. Then came the iPhone, followed by the iPad. Now, the latest technological innovation is here: the iBelt. Just strap it on, and when a certain someone needs a spanking but isn't close enough to swat, use this app to administer correction virtually.

No, not really, The iBelt isn't spanking-related, but it does save your hide when you are doing something naughty.

A Royal Boot

As part of of the Diamond Jubilee celebrations for our Queen (sixty years on the throne - imagine that!) HRH Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, are visiting Canada this week. In their honour here is a little Royal humour.

Self-enjoyment revisited

First of all, I want to thank each and every member of the Spanking Bloggers' Network who voted for Hermione's Heart as Blog of the Month. What an honour! I'm very touched.


Speaking of touching, some time ago I wrote a post about the change in attitude towards masturbation (read it here). Here are some reminders of how it used to be:

Being attacked by aliens is far worse than hairy palms.

Bad boys have much more fun. Is that good boy ever going to get any sleep?

For once, the warnings were legitimate.

Ladies, on the other hand, had no reason to abstain,

except while shopping.

Now where did I put that clipboard?

More fun from Just for Laughs Gags.

The Corner Shop has Everything

What happens when you make a purchase in a convenience store and find you haven't been given the right change? In this short video, the cashier learns his lesson the hard way.





Just for Laughs Gags is a candid camera-style program, filmed in Quebec but with little dialogue so the humour can be enjoyed in any language.

Oh, That Ass

There's a meme or recurring theme over at the Cheezburger Network called "Dat Ass". From time to time someone uploads a picture that simply cries out for that caption. Here are a few of my favourites:

Wednesday WIN

Pizza has been declared a vegetable by the US Congress. "The United States Congress voted to rebuke new USDA guidelines for school lunches that would have increased the amount of fresh fruit and vegetables in school cafeterias and instead declared that the tomato paste on frozen pizza qualified it as a vegetable." (Read the full story here.)

Why is this a WIN and not a FAIL? Simply because pizza is my favourite food. Any kind of topping, any style of crust, any time, anywhere! I enjoy pizza almost as much as I like spankings. I'm making plans for next year's garden.

I'm also pretty fond of pizza peels.

Converting from Vanilla

While scanning the weekly sales flyers that come with the newspaper, I came across a recipe for Chocolate Chip Black Bottom Cheesecake. It sounded delicious, but I thought the recipe could be tweaked a little.

You've probably heard of red velvet cake; a treat that has an entire bottle of red food colouring added to it to give the finished product a deep red hue. if I made a similar addition to the cheesecake recipe, I could rename it Chocolate Chip Red Bottom Cheesecake.

Does anyone have a cake server handy?

Naughty, naughty, mustn't touch

Most of us probably grew up with the idea that there was something shameful and naughty about touching ourselves "down there". "It will make you blind" and "You'll grow hair on your palms" were two very common warnings to children. I'm not sure either was terribly effective.

But times have changed. Masturbation is now acknowledged to be a perfectly normal, healthy and pleasurable activity for both men, women...

 ... and even crabs.


Remember to always practise good hygiene.

But if you still have reservations, or feel guilty, then this might be the answer for you.

Then there are some people for whom masturbation is the only answer.

A Safety Message

(courtesy of my husband)


What causes the most accidents in Canada ?

Not cell phones

Not the radio
 
Not the GPS monitor

Not talking

Not texting

Not watching a car video

Not changing a CD

The most frequent cause of accidents in Canada is:

Yep! You guessed it !


 


Inappropriate footwear.

Read the Label

I thought these undergarment shots were worth sharing with you.

Always read the label

Both pictures courtesy of the Cheezburger folks.

You can drink it too

Canada's most popular beverage.

Size Study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and that they wouldn't trade him for the world.

For Spanko Geeks

Add this code to any convenient bottom. It works with all popular browsers including Firefox, Internet Explorer, Flock, Chrome and Safari.