From the Top Shelf - Wellred Weekly

Recently I wrote an article for the Wellred Weekly and it has been published in the latest issue. Read all about how to combine spanking and gardening in Red Bottoms for Green Thumbs. I hope you enjoy it.

You Completed the Caption

The picture was captioned in two different but equally funny ways on HistoricLOLs.com. Now here are your captions:

Kingspan: In this early advertisement for the Spencer Spanking Plan, the benefits of having two motivated partners are clearly shown.

SNP: "My wife's backside is going to be the color of the hood of this car later tonight!"

Spanky: Husband: "Make sure to clean the bottom of that frying pan too, or I'll use it to make your butt sparkle more than the pots!"

Sunnygirl: I wonder if she's wearing panties under that dress?

Fanz123: This cleaner is amazing, it cleans the pots and pans as well as the car.
Think how much money we can save by using it.

Vfrat25000: Woman: “I am finally getting spanked tonight. It took me forever to convince that clueless husband of mine to turn me over his knee.”
Man: “I must be crazy…Why would any woman want to be spanked? I am so thankful I came to my senses before I actually spanked her. I could have really made her mad!”

Woman: “This frying pan will work great! We will see what explanation he has for that receipt I found for a pearl necklace.”
Man: “I wish I knew what I did with that receipt for my secretary’s pearl necklace”

Woman: “Housework sucks! I hate cooking...I hate dusting…I hate wearing dresses around the house and I especially hate dish washing and little pink aprons!
Man: “My wife is the perfect wife. She loves cooking and cleaning and she looks so cute in that pink apron.”

Woman: “My bottom is so sore I haven’t been able to sit down all morning! That spanking I got last night was one to remember! I am so glad he is leaving on a business trip. That will give my bottom time to rest before I tell him about that new color television I bought yesterday!”
Man: “Wait till I tell my sweet wife the news...My trip got cancelled. A COLOR TV…I think maybe I’ll use a hairbrush tonight!

Welcome to this Week’s Episode of “Leave it to Beaver”
June Cleaver: “Where is that little brat Beaver? He and his delinquent brother Wally are the biggest pain in the butt kids any mother could have. And you, Ward Cleaver, if you were any more boring I think I’d stick my head in the oven. I wonder if I could get a gig playing a spanking model without my loser family finding out?”
Ward Cleaver: “June…If you only knew I was fooling around with your sister!”

Ricky: She: Oh, look! Another toy!
He: Oh, no, not that, please!!!

Ms Betty: Just as soon as I finish rewashing all of these pots he's getting a paddle swat for every spot he left on them, bent right over the hood of that shiny car of his.

Ronnie: She'll have a different opinion of her new pan when I use it on her bottom.

Six of the best: "Honey," says her beloved husband to his wife. Then continues, "When I get through shining up this spanking new car of ours, I'm going to bare that bottom of yours, and spank that voluptous naked rear end of yours."

Autumn:  Thought bubbles...

Hers - "Hopefully Clark will appreciate how well I've cleaned up the kitchen. I can almost see my reflection in this pan... and that should distract him from that little ding I put in the car."

His - "I see my lovely wife is busy tidying the house... that must mean something's up. She probably thinks I didn't notice where she scratched up the car.

My that pan is rather shiny... I bet it will show a fine reflection of her bottom as I give her a spanking to match the new paint job I'll be putting on the car..."


Thank you all for your hilarious captions! There's something about cleaning that brings out the spanko in all of us.  I've got a real doozy of a picture for you next week; see you then!

Complete the Caption

Here's a charming domestic scene from the fifties. She's hard at work in the kitchen and he's enjoying some quality time with his car. What happens when they finish their respective chores? Does someone get spanked? If so, who, how and why?

Complete the caption by leaving a comment, and I will publish your expectations in the next post.

Friday FAIL

A few bottom-related wardrobe malfunctions and poor choices for you today.

Couldn't zip it up just a little higher, huh?

 You might want to give that skirt a tug or two before you get to the office.

That's telling it like it is:)

These are yoga pants. Yes, really! Check her ankles. Not very suitable for work, but at least she isn't a Wal-Mart greeter.

No comment, except

Meet the newest member of the team

Isn't this a beauty? It's a lovely carved wooden paddle, suitable for hanging on the wall in any room when not in use for you-know-what. It's 60 cm (24 inches) long, and the other side is plain and flat. Would you believe I can actually feel the difference between the two sides on my bottom.

Ron and I were in my favourite thrift store recently and as usual, we made a trip down the aisle of wooden items, just in case. I spotted it half-covered by a wooden bulletin board that had a painted duck on top. Bending down, I pulled it out and held it up for my husband's inspection.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Isn't it gorgeous?"

Ron looked a little embarrassed. It was unlikely anyone nearby could guess the purpose we would put it to but he shook his head. "No, put it back. We don't need it."

I obeyed. Temporarily. We didn't need another implement, but I wanted this one. A day or two later when I was out alone, I returned and looked for my treasure. To my great relief, it was still on the shelf. I paid for it - only $3.99 plus tax, such a bargain - and carried it out to the car, wrapped in a plastic bag. I left it in the trunk of the car when I arrived home and waited until the next morning to slip outside while Ron was still asleep and bring our newest acquisition inside. I took a few pictures of it first, then hung it on the implement rack where my husband would see it next time I was due for a spanking.


Sure enough, on our regular date night, I walked into the bedroom and saw it lying on the bed, ready for action. Instead of being annoyed that I had bought it in spite of his order, Ron was pleased. He picked it up.

"Look, I'll have to use two hands," he demonstrated.

I suddenly had second thoughts. "Well, go easy until we find out what it can do."

Rather a lot, as it happened. It packed quite a wallop, made a satisfying sound, and was sturdy enough not to need a lot of force behind it. And it didn't break. We were both impressed.

Tax time is always stressful for us. I choose to put off the inevitable until the last day, but Ron set aside most of last Saturday to do his. Needless to say, he was quite grumpy and out of sorts by the time he was done, and he owed a sizable amount. When it was time for spanking fun, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Our new carved paddle lay on the bed waiting for me. Ron said simply, "taxes" as if that explained everything. I guess it did. Every swat helped him to get his frustration out. As he paddled, he grumbled aloud:

"I hate doing taxes."

"I hate paying taxes."

"Eight hundred and twenty-three dollars!"

"Stupid government."

"Using my money to buy fighter jets."

"Not gonna get it!"

By the time we were done,  I felt well-paddled and Ron felt much better. He even smiled as he put away the implement. I hope I'll feel as cheerful after I do my taxes this Saturday.

Spanking Goes Mainstream

Fifty Shades of Grey has everyone in the vanilla world talking about spanking. It's become mainstream according to this article in The Daily Beast. At last!

You might also be interested in the Beast's extract of the fourteen naughtiest bits from the novel. Sadly, only three of them have anything to do with spanking. Here's my favourite:

Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down. Up and down like whores’ drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go. Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness—from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.

I'll have to move this book to the top of my to-be-read list.

Butt Slaps

Who wouldn't want to slap this shapely bottom?



It's all in fun on Just for Laughs!

From the Top Shelf - Saucy Sal

I feel like a little poetry today. Here's a charming and humorous poem about a sailor on leave, from Old Jim's blog Tail Tales.

Saucy Sal - A Sailor's Tale

A sailor boy was I on leave
A girl in every town
And once in port I'd waste no time
To pull their knickers down.
In London there was little Nell
Near Liverpool lived Nancy
While Bristol harboured Jill and Jane
Who both did take my fancy.

In Plymouth fair I chanced to stray
One morning bright and early
And there I spied a pretty maid
Whose hair was long and curly.
“Would you care to step out with me?”
I asked in tone quite pally
“I don’t mind if I do kind sir,”
She said, “My name is Sally.”

“But not today for I must work
Meet me tomorrow night at eight
And if you buy my beer and ale
You surely will enjoy our date.
For I am gay and fancy free
And liberal with favour
If you would kindly spank my bum
My normal fee I’ll waver!”

Next day before our rendezvous
Not wishing to be bored
I met with Sue and Katie too
With both of them I scored.
Then in the afternoon I met
A girl called Lizzie from the docks
Inside her knickers she me let
Down on the beach, behind some rocks.

At eight o’clock I made my way
Down to the Rose and Thistle
My throat was parched; I ordered ale
With which to whet my whistle.
Then through the door behind me stepped
Young Sally for our meeting
Her eyes were flashing wild with rage
She spurned my cheery greeting

Confronting me my saucy Sal
So full of fun and frolics
A vicious oath at me did yell
And kicked me in the bollocks.
“Two timing rat!” she screamed, irate,
“I've heard that you’ve been busy
Out dallying with Sue and Kate
And then with my friend Lizzie

“Now piss off back to sea,” she said
“Forget designs upon my bum
And if you come near me again
I’ll go and tell my mum!”
So friends heed warning from this tale
The next time a pretty girl you dates
If time to spare, for goodness sake
Don’t spend it with some of her mates.

I hope you'll visit Tail Tales and sample some of his other work. You won't be disappointed!

You Completed the Caption

Spring break was never this much fun when I was in college! Here are your captions:


Spanky: "I wonder if I can nail that?"

Our Bottoms Burn: He saw her cracking walnuts with her cheeks and is wondering about the mechanics of it.

Joey: Wow. That is a big butt plug. I am glad I brought this hammer.

Bonnie: "On your right is the Grand Canyon..."

My first response was along the lines of Spanky's - "I'd sure like to nail her."

Vfrat25000: Spanky’s line was GREAT. It’s always nice to start Saturday with a laugh!

I never saw anything like that in my high school woodworking class

Hey girl, he may be 6’ with bulging muscles but I just invented a replacement for the Windows Operating System.

This job as a city thong inspector is so cool. Yes, this one is OK.

I think I see a faint sign of a handprint. She’s into spanking. ALL RIGHT!

No, that’s not the bottom that sat on my newly painted bench.

WOMAN “Is that perv with the hammer checking out my bottom?
SWIM SUIT GUY: I don’t know, aren’t my stomach muscles perfect and by the way why am I holding this little white bag?
HAMMER GUY: I wonder if I should tell her she’s standing in dog poop?

 Ronnie: "Laura, don't turn around but there's a strange guy with two hammers looking at your bottom."

Six of the best: The gentleman who is admiring the lady's swimsuit bottom is thinking to himself, "Is this Hermione's delicious spankable rear end that she is always blogging about?"

Anonymous: I dunno, ma'am. That'll take a lot of spackle....

Daisychain: Where did my nail go?

Mitch: "I know you said you were going to hammer her, but c'mon man. Really!"

Loki Darksong: Oop! I brought the wrong tool for this work.

Charles: The boss told me there's a fault in the structure. Looks fine to me, though.

 Michael M: Beach party leader says: "So everyone, let's have some volunteer couples for "pin the tail on the bunny".
Annabel our lovely girl's team leader will go first just so you can see how it's done. Time for the blindfold, Robert, and good luck."

Hermione: First help me hang up these cool little white hearts. Then you can spank her.


Thank you to all who submitted captions and  a big wave to everyone who laughed at them. Have a safe, consensual and happy week!

Complete the Caption

A day at the beach for some friends takes an unexpected turn when... Wait! What's up with the hammer?

Complete the caption by leaving your explanation for the day's activities as a comment, and I will publish your visions in the next post.

Friday FAIL

Continuing with the theme of advice columns, here's a plea for guidance from someone who has a kinky preference that appears less often in the daily papers than spanking does.

Normal? Possibly. Who am I to judge?

Advice from One of Us?

 Our national newspaper has a weekly advice column that I never fail to read. It's a little different from most in the way that it works. Each week, at the end of the column, a new question is published. Readers submit their own solutions to the problem, and the three best suggestions are printed the following week, along with the columnist's advice.

Recently a new writer took over the column. I had always enjoyed the former writer's witty style and clever resolutions, so was a bit worried about whether or not the newcomer could handle the challenge. Last week, all doubts were laid to rest.

The topic was from a reader whose friend told her that he was cheating on his wife. Should she tell the wife, who is also a friend? The columnist began by saying her usual advice was to tell people to mind their own business. "If I accidentally stumble upon the neighbour's tricked-out basement that looks suspiciously like a sex dungeon, I will simply ask for the name of their decorator. They're not hurting anyone, okay, maybe themselves, but it's consensual so I don't need to get involved."

After considering all the possibilities, her final advice was that the reader should tell the wife about the infidelity. Her final paragraph convinced me that the new columnist was an excellent choice. "And for the record, if any of you ever find out my husband's been unfaithful, I expect to be notified immediately. I'll go straight to the neighbour's dungeon to borrow a few items. And no, the screaming that you're hearing is not consensual."

Wednesday WIN

A colouring book for grownups.

How do you say that in...

I've been having some fun on a website called Bad Translator. You type or paste up to 250 characters of text, choose the translator program and number of translations you want, then wait for the magic to happen. Your phrase will be translated from one language to another in random order, and the final result is usually funny and quite different from the original.

Here are a few that I tried:

"Young lady you need a good spanking"
...27 translations later,
"Good girl, Director"


"Before we go out for dinner I'm going to put you over my knee and paddle your bottom"
...27 translations later,
"Prior to cooking, the development and implementation of financing path"


"Spank me until my bottom is cherry red and your hand is sore"
...27 translations later,
"Success, I am pain last cherry red"


"Spank me until my bottom is bright red and your hand is sore"
...18 translations later,
"Bass and Red can be used free of charge"



Try it yourself here.

From the Top Shelf - Go Boy

Roger Caron, Canada's most notorious bank robber, died last week. He is most famous for the books he wrote about his experiences in Canadian prisons. After his release he had a successful career as a speaker until poor health forced him to give it up. He again turned to crime, was caught shoplifting and returned to prison.

Here is an excerpt from his first book, Go Boy (a prison code phrase that means someone is attempting an escape) in which he recounts the physical punishment he received for an accumulation of demerits for bad conduct.

It was shortly after one o'clock in the afternoon by the time the elevator descended into the catacombs with me still in handcuffs and a dozen witnesses escorting me to the Limbo Room, just like I was going to the electric chair. It was cold and damp as our solemn procession moved slowly along down that long stretch of spooky nothingness. I was shivering visibly because I was cold and scared, and only seventeen years old. I had heard so many gruesome stories about the paddle, how it castrated one guy and how it crippled another. In my heart was also the fear of displaying fear.

By the time we came to a halt before a metal door my teeth were rattling and my knees were weak but I was determined to be brave. A long key was inserted, followed by an audible click; next, two locking bars were withdrawn, sounding shockingly loud in the deathly silence. Finally the imposing door squeaked open and I was shoved into the centre of a large whitewashed room that had a naked light bulb dangling from the ceiling on a cord. A sudden breeze swayed the light causing our shadows to dance eerily about the room as ripples of terror ran up and down my spine. Anchored to the far wall I saw a mass of metal tubing contoured to embrace a human form and, affixed to it, shackles and restraining straps. Hanging from pegs on the left wall were three leather straps with wooden handles, so thick and coarse as to barely sag. Each one was perforated with hundreds of tiny holes designed to trap and rip the flesh from the buttocks.

The cuffs were removed and the gravelly voice of Marble Mouth ordered me to 'Step right into it, boy.'

Shivering, I did as I was told.

'Now drop your pants ... all the way down!'

My shirt was pulled over my head and so was a black hood. My ankles were firmly shackled as were my knees. A wide metal band encircled my waist and was locked into place to protect my kidneys. My arms were pulled straight out ahead of me and cuffed. Naked from head to foot -- securely anchored in an upright position -- I was totally at their mercy.

Everything was in readiness. The doctor stood on my right monitoring my pulse throughout the ordeal. A guard stood on my left gripping the wooden handle of the strap waiting for the signal to begin. I was cold and terrified and shivering and trying to brace myself for the blow.

The eerie ritual began when the dozen witnesses ominously scraped the soles of their shoes on the floor in unison, deliberately done to confuse my sense of direction.

'ONE!' I clenched my teeth and my body went rigid as the strap sliced through the air, 'CRACK!' Like a pistol shot, it made solid contact with my buttocks, my head snapped backwards, while violently driving my shackled body forward. White searing pain exploded throughout my being and blood gushed from my lips as I struggled to stifle a scream. It was brutal and it was horrible. My whole body vibrated like a band of tempered steel and my mind filled with nightmares as I awaited the next blow.

'Two!' swish, crack! 'Three!' swish, crack! 'Four!' swish, crack! 'Five!' swish-crack!

Over and over again I heard the scraping of the shoes, the sharp command, the long seconds, the strap cutting through the air, the explosion and then the crazy-out-of-this-world pain that struck terror into my very soul. Finally it was all over. Ten strokes of the paddle and I didn't scream or beg as so many did. That was very, very important to me.

Read the account of his second strapping, as well as the recollections of other recipients, here.

You Completed the Caption

I apologize for the problems some of you had leaving comments on this week's Complete the Caption. The Blogger gremlins have been hard at work again but I think I have outwitted them, for a while anyway.

This beautiful photograph is by the famous photographer Helmut Newton. His work was considered very erotic fifty years ago, and still is.

Simon: Are you sure we have to hold the aerial exactly like this to get the television to work?

 Six of the Best: "Sir, I thought you said we are going to eat hot cross buns for Easter. Not knickers down bare bottoms buns, for spanking."

 Vfrat25000: George....Lloyd. Something is different about you two this morning. I can't say exactly what it is. Did you two lose some weight maybe?

Ladies, I don't care what the senior boys' gym class told you. This is not acceptable casual Friday attire for the teaching staff.

By any chance is my wife standing behind me?

WOW. The Hilton Honors Frequent Stay program has certainly improved their in-room amenities.

OK Ladies, if you insist, I will spank you both but then you are going to have let me watch American Idol in peace.

Michael: British Minister of Defence reviews new unDress uniforms for women of Her Majesty's Royal Marines Corp.

Ricky: Very good, ladies. Now, About face!

Terri: "Ladies, this is a RESPECTABLE establishment. Put some clothes on, NOW or both of you will be caned!"
"Uh, Sir, are you SURE this is the new dress code? Cause I QUIT if it is!"
"If you won't wear the regulation skirts, young ladies, you may spend the day in only your underpants. I am NOT permitting you to wear trousers. However, if you choose to spend the day in knickers only, I WILL paddle you.

Bonnie: "Panty inspections again? How many times a day are we going to do this? Dude, there just isn't that much material to evaluate."

Ronnie: Vanessa and Samantha knew they were in trouble when they couldn't find the key to the handcuffs.

The girls took dress-down Friday a little too far.

Prefectdt: "I don't care how much better either of you thinks that it looks when you're wearing it. That's my underwear, from my drawer and I want it back!"

Poppy: Which one of you deleted my Spongebob Squarepants marathon?

SNP: The new Bond girls receive their instructions for the night.

Hermione:  Why yes, I'd be happy to buy some Girl Guide cookies. I'll take 600 boxes.


Thanks for spending some time together this weekend. I hope to see you all again soon!

Complete the Caption - Try again

The comment problem from yesterday should be fixed now.

Today we see two ladies standing at attention and listening to what the gentleman has to say. What's it all about?

Complete the caption by leaving a comment and I will publish your contributions in the next post.

Friday FAIL

When bondage goes horribly wrong.

It all starts with an innocent trip to the hardware store for some duct tape.

The warning is plainly written and frighteningly illustrated.

That's going to hurt when it's removed.

Spankus Interruptus

 

A spanking can be interrupted for a variety of reasons, like:

• the dogs are barking and won't stop
• someone is knocking at the door
• an implement breaks
• there is damage to my bottom
• the electricity goes off
• the smoke alarm sounds
• someone telephones to tell us we've won the lottery

Last week there was another, very pleasant reason.

Ron was energetically paddling my bare backside with first one implement, then another, and I was bent over the end of the bed, enjoying every minute of it. During a break while he switched to another implement, I felt his warm hand stroke my left cheek. I smiled and relaxed into the gentle touch. All too soon, it was replaced by the bite of the riding crop.

 


Several hard swats later, the crop joined its companions on the bed beside me, and I felt Ron's hand on my right cheek. He gently rubbed, then his fingers disappeared into the chasm between my buttocks. They explored, found what they were looking for, and teased.

All thoughts of spanking disappeared from my mind as I squirmed with enjoyment. The fingers performed their usual magic and in a short time I was writhing, gasping and moaning.Before long I lay, satisfied, in a contented heap on the bed.


I eventually recovered my senses and, remembering my manners, I got up, knelt in front of Ron, unzipped his jeans and thanked him properly in an intimate way for the unexpected treat he had given me. That accomplished, I stood up and smiled at Ron, thinking we were done for the day. He had other ideas, and frowned at me.

"Now, where were we?" he asked sternly, as he picked up a wooden paddle. "We aren`t done yet."

I was surprised but pleased. I bent over the bed, and felt the sting of wood against flesh. Still slightly giddy from the previous events, I didn't care how hard the whacks were. I wanted it all, and more. Ron diligently carried on until he felt my bottom was sufficiently reddened, then told me I could get up and put the implements away.

"Yes Sir, thank you Sir," I replied with a grin.

Wednesday WIN

Ah, the age-old debate. Denim or spandex - which is better? You decide. Or maybe there's a better alternative.