To Each His Own

Here's an entertaining look into the bedrooms of four very different couples. First impressions aren't always accurate, as you will see. There's spanking and kinkiness where you least expect it.

Warning, it's graphic and definitely not safe for work! But then you don't look at spanking blogs at work, do you?

Friday FAIL

Continuing with the theme of advice columns, here's a plea for guidance from someone who has a kinky preference that appears less often in the daily papers than spanking does.

Normal? Possibly. Who am I to judge?

Wednesday WIN

For some last minute holiday spanko shopping, these bags will help you carry home your purchases and let the world know that you're kinky.

Photos are from Bored Panda.

Naughty Words

A recent article in a daily Canadian newspaper said that women like it when men "talk dirty" to them during intimate activities, and that some men try, but don't do it very well. What I found remarkable was the frequency of statements that I perceived to be refreshingly non-vanilla.

The author did a little survey of friends and found that women do like to hear naughty words, but rarely did. One woman said that once she found a man who used them "the kinky dialogue that ensued made her feel more sexually confident than ever."

"Pleasure begins in the brain and... [talking dirty] operates within the realm of fantasy, and fantasy is the match to the fire."


Part of talking dirty can involve theatrically using the language of degradation. Men raised by feminists may have a problem with this, but there shouldn't be one "if it's what a woman wants to hear." A conversation about pornography may turn to "the idea of a woman being tied up or spoken to in a humiliating fashion should not be arousing, and yet there are women who are turned on by that... It's sometimes the woman who wants to be playfully humiliated who takes the risk in asking."

I especially like the way the article ends.

"The key word in role play is play...And what if you try to play and your girlfriend tells you you're bad at it? Well, then, maybe you have the wrong playmate. Or you could ask her if she needs to be punished for that."

A Scary Search

The other day I received a disturbing email from Ron. He had Googled my real name, and one of the hits was something that he was sure I wouldn't want other people to find associated with me.

I've always been very careful to keep my spanking and blogging interests separate from my everyday vanilla life, so I had to see it for myself. I typed in my name and was amazed at the number of hits.

Most were reasonable, and referred to various organizations and activities I'm involved in. Some were from websites I manage and one was work-related. But a very unexpected hit was on a large online bookseller's site: it was my wish list. Unfortunately, the book at the top of the list was about spanking, and the title made that very clear. A person looking for me would not even have to click on the link to see what I liked to read; the information was all right there in the search results.

I quickly logged on and brought up my wish list. The book in question wasn't even on it. Nevertheless I deleted everything on the list, then repeated the search. The offending book still appeared in the search results. Even scarier was the fact that the date of wish list was over two years ago. I clicked on the link in the search and deleted the book. Phew!

I'm so grateful to Ron for finding this virtual finger, pointing to my kinky interests, and I thanked him cheerfully, although I did feel rather embarrassed. Still, I have to wonder. Why was he Googling me? I have no idea. What did he hope to find? Who knows. I hope he found what he was (or wasn't) looking for.

The moral of the story is, even when you think you're safe, you can never be sure. I would advise you all to try Googling your own names, and I hope you don't find something incriminating.

Kink for all Occasions

I found these cards not in an adult toy store but in a drugstore, a supermarket, and a card shop. The text inside was unremarkable, but I can't say the same for the pictures on the outside.

More Vanilla Kinkiness

The twisted vanilla girls are at it again. And this time it looks like these young ladies are waiting to see the principal about their hi-jinks.

Guess which one is in for some extra strokes for being out of uniform?

(I previously posted about some other twisted vanilla girls here.)

Whip it Again

This tasty combination of marshmallow centre, delicious cookie base and real chocolate coating has been pleasing kinky Canadians for over 75 years! Available in three flavours: original dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and strawberry.

The Ultimate...

What a shock I got when I found this picture in my inbox this morning, at the top of a newsletter from a popular Canadian seed and garden supply company. (I did make a minor adjustment to it before I posted it.)


They are the ultimate - in kinky gardening. These would make those nasty slugs and earwigs cower in submission. And possibly the neighbours too.

Who's Vanilla?

Twisted? Yes. Vanilla? No.

So what's twisted vanilla? Sort of kinky, but not right up there? Maybe hand spanking, but no implements?

What flavour is your kink? French vanilla? Tutti frutti? Neapolitan? Chocolate fudge ripple?

A big thank you goes out to Jim, a regular reader, for sending in this great picture. (Click on it to make it bigger.)

Midsomer Masochist

Midsomer Murders is an entertaining drama about a fictitious English county with the highest murder rate in the country. Over the past ten years, two to three people per week have died under suspicious circumstances in one of the tiny Midsomer villages.

Victims and perpetrators alike tend to be wealthy, eccentric, or obsessed with unusual hobbies and pastimes. In each episode, quaint and old-fashioned but otherwise reasonably harmless individuals are gradually exposed as sinister, greedy, jealous or sexually deviant as the plot unfolds and the murders continue.
The distinguished Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby and his equally handsome young assistant, Detective Sargeant Troy, manage to unravel the strings of deception one by one, and the mysteries are revealed when the criminal is confronted and confesses.

An episode that aired recently (probably a few years old for British viewers) called Country Matters was unexpectedly but delightfully kinky.

In one scene, a lovely young woman in full riding kit, carrying a riding crop, walks into the stable and confronts a man sitting down beside a saddle and bridle. He explains that he was only resting for a moment, but she is obviously displeased that he has not done his assigned tasks. She orders him to stand up and bend over a table, then goes to a rack on the wall where she hangs the crop and chooses a dressage whip instead. There is a closeup of the man's bottom, with trousers stretched tight across it. Then we see his face, and watch as the woman swings the whip and it connects. The expression on his face is a mixture of shock, excitement and pleasure; his eyes widen and his mouth forms an O.

In a later scene, the same man is hard at work cleaning tack when the two detectives arrive to continue their investigation. He apologizes for not having finished, then stands up, goes to the table, drops his trousers and bends over, saying "Oh well, variety is the spice of life." The detectives exchange startled looks.

There's also a kinky reference in a short conversation between Barnaby and his wife as she considers helping out at a cooking school. "[D]ishing out a bit of discipline, that I could handle."

Your Thoughts on Therapists

The responses to my recent post about therapists understanding our kink were so illuminating that I want to share them with you.
Ms. Betty - Hermione, I tend to have strong feelings on this subject, so if it is alright with you I'm going to borrow your blog for a moment and explain to your readers why I feel the way I do.
Always, always, always insist on a kink aware professional.
A therapist's take on the subject says a lot about them than just what they think of kink.
Also, keep in mind that if you would not feel comfortable divulging your interest in kink to your therapist it means you probably do not trust said therapist. That is a big warning sign that should be heeded. Trust is vital to therapy being successful, if you don't feel comfortable with your therapist you need to find someone else, whether kink is ever brought up or not.
Bonnie - When I read your post, my first thought was that perhaps old Dr. Ruth was simply out of touch. Upon further thought, though, it occurred to me that her position is actually very wise and beneficial to her patients. If she doesn't understand kink, she can't help people work through their problems. It's probably better in this case that she respectfully refers them to another professional than attempt to resolve issues with which she has no familiarity.
If I needed to visit a therapist regarding an issue unrelated to sex or relationship, I would focus on finding a professional who could help with the situation at hand. I would not out myself unless I had to do so.
Interesting question...
Sara - As a trained psychotherapist, I have pretty strong feelings on this one too. I agree that you can not be in productive therapy and keep secrets. It is undermining the process and thus yourself. On the other hand, therapists are people too, and some have prejudices, and all have short comings.
This is not like finding a podiatrist. Always interview a therapist and make sure they have experience in your areas of issue, and that you simply 'click'. You need to work with someone you feel you can like and who can like you.
This link: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap is an organization that refers to kink aware psychological professionals. Good question Hermione.
Oh yeah...the question. :) Yes I would discuss sexual spanking with no qualms. Any trained therapist is Ok with the basic range of sexual kinks. Domestic Discipline...I would be very very careful to be sure it was someone I really trusted.
Carly - I have to agree, you need to fully trust your therapist. I think being a spanko is a lot like being gay. It is your core sexuality, not a choice and not something you can wish away. In order to help you, a therapist must understand it.
Prefectdt - Warning actual experience reply.
From the psychologist that I saw, I found it was essential (and it took her some time to get the info out of me). Giving up the spanking lifestyle was one of the major factors that had opened up the chinks in the life armour and let the bad guys of the world get to me and cause the problems.
From the psychiatrist that I saw, no I would not open up to that idiot ever. I have only ever seen one psychiatrist professionally, so I am hoping that the one that I saw was an exception and not the rule. The idiot, after an initial chat of less than ten minutes, mis diagnosed me as having depression and started on a road that lead me to taking ever stronger and stronger pills with names ending in "pam" and the like, all of which did nothing but get in the way of leading my life.
Moral of this - Yes be prepared to open up to a professional but make sure that they are a competent trustworthy professional first.
Happy ending - I took up getting my butt whupped again, got my mind and life back on track and haven't taken or felt that I needed to take one "happy" pill since. Thanks to the psychologist not the psychiatrist.
Em - I haven't watched the video as I'm sitting in a coffee house at the moment and that doesn't seem to be the appropriate place to do so (must get headphones for laptop so I can watch videos in public in the future).
So without all of the information, here is my reply:
Yes, I've seen therapists in the past and some of them were told about my kinky predilections and some weren't. I'd say, as a general rule, it would be best to find a therapist with whom you felt comfortable sharing your deepest darkest secrets. You may not think, going into therapy, that they apply to the situation at hand but the truth is you never really know how everything is connected until you start digging through it.
As for Dr. Ruth referring her patients elsewhere. Well, I think if she is really unprepared to handle them then the most professional thing she can do is refer them to someone who can. That said, it's a very vulnerable spot going to someone for help and I can only think it must be detrimental on some level for a patient to be told that their therapist can't work with them over something like that.
On a somewhat similar note - I've been toying with the idea of asking my masseur if he's comfortable seeing me when I'm sporting bruises but haven't found the courage yet.
I find sometimes that after particularly strenuous scenes my butt isn't the only part of me that's sore. I'd dearly love to go in for a nice relaxing massage but don't want to freak the masseur out!
Anyone else broached this subject with similar professionals?
Michael - Hermione, very insightful and thought provoking question. I must say the answers from your readers are on par with anything you could get from a therapist. Like Em said it must be very disheartening to have a therapist tell you he/she can't help you because of your special kink. Doesn't that defeat the whole point of therapy and serve as a setback? And like Ms Betty and others said, trust is key so you must feel comfortable with your therapist and be able to discuss everything including that you are a spanko. Defeats the purpose otherwise.
Prefectdt, so glad all is well and you are back on the sunny side of the street again. :)
jane - The therapist i was seeing in no way could handle it! lol
She would assume it was my way of dealing with emotional pain..which i guess it kinda is, but knowing her...First of she wouldn't even know what the word kink meant...and then she would probably give me advice on domestic violence. lol
So my answer is uh uhhh, nope. lol
pmduo - I'd like to answer the question from two perspectives. My partner is a therapist and has an interesting take on this. Prior to our relationship he hadn't spanked anyone and he said that if someone had told him then they were being spanked he would probably have treated it as a problem. Now that he is more knowledgeable about it (and a happy participant in the process!) he has a different view on why people would want to be spanked.
He believes you should be able to talk about anything in therapy and that a good therapist should not put their personal judgments onto what is being discussed. The more he knows about a patient, the easier it is to work with them, however, he doesn't feel that spanking is necessarily something that has to be brought up in therapy. Certainly if there is a problem, if you are unsure if it is ok, if you are having issues with your partner around communication and this is part of it, but it may be completely irrelevant to what you are in therapy for. He says that often patients like to tell therapists kinky stuff just to see if they will shock them, not because it has value to the therapy. He did warn that if you bring it up with a therapist you should be prepared for a lot of questions and concern around the issue of domestic violence. It is appropriate for a therapist to ensure that you are doing this consensually and aren't being hurt (more than you want).
So that in a nutshell is what he told me, hopefully I've said it well - I tried to get him to post this but he wouldn't!
My point of view as someone who has been in therapy is that I wouldn't talk about it. Mainly because I think it is a non-issue. It would be like going to a therapist and talking about my favorite food or books I like to read. What would be the point? I don't have concerns or unresolved issues with spanking - it is something I enjoy that I'm perfectly ok with so there is really nothing to talk about.
Anyway thanks for the question - we both liked it!
Belle - I actually think what Dr. Ruth says makes sense. she's not saying that people who enjoy sadomasochistic sex are "bad" or "wrong." she's just saying that she has limits on what she can handle, and that's fine. she doesn't embarrass the couple, but simply tells them a little white lie and refers them to other therapists.
As far as telling a therapist about my kink, i think i might. i think my sexuality is integral to my personality and the way i handle life, so i think it would be a good idea. however, that would be after multiple sessions when i felt comfortable with the therapist.
Hermione - When I considered this question I couldn't help thinking about the character Tony Soprano in the television show The Sopranos. He regularly visits a therapist because of anxiety attacks, but repeatedly derails the sessions when he is unable to share details of what's troubling him because it's something illegal.
I agree with Bonnie and Em that Dr. Ruth was right in referring her patients elsewhere if she felt uncomfortable with their sexual practices. As Sara said, therapists are people too.
If I were to visit a therapist, I would probably do my best not to reveal anything about my preferences unless they were relevant to the situation. Even then, it would be difficult to reveal them, because you can't unring the bell. I have had first hand experience with mental health professionals who were less than open-minded.
Thank you, everyone, for your contributions.

Bicycle Spanking

Did you know that BMX is the newest, coolest Olympic event? Olympic spanking can't be far behind. Why not combine them?

For the ultimate spanking experience, try it over rough terrain on a Kink BMX. The Kink Whip model is especially recommended.

For bicycling or bondage, how about the S&M frame?

And for an everyday workout that includes discomfort to the buttockal area, a Spank bike is just what you need.

Too Hot to Handle

There's an interesting radio program on the CBC called Between You and Me that addresses various aspects of sexuality. The episode on Kink was deemed to be inappropriate to air on the radio, but luckily it is available as a podcast. You'll find the download under the heading "Too Hot for our Timeslot".

The half-hour exploration of various aspects of non-vanilla lifestyles ends with the decision that weirdness is in the eye of the beholder, and asks the question: what exactly is kink? Innocent play? Fun dress up? A slippery slope? Childhood trauma? A cause for concern? Nobody's business?